Me: What time we leaving?

STARBUCKS BARISTA MEMO

Me: *hands wife mail*

Me: *empties dishwasher*

Your [unbuttons]

[trying to impress a girl]

To be honest, my mouth hasn’t been open this wide since a few experimental nights in college

Wife: You should’ve seen the flowers Jim sent to his wife at work

My wife complained that the vacuum sucks too hard on the rugs and I made a joke

[on a date]

[at recycling center]

[looking at photo album]

[at the club]

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

8:03 *steps onto diving board*

Sorry I looked at your wife’s hair and said, “hey

2018 - Forrest Gump

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

I was standing in front of the living room window masturbating and my neighbors started yelling, “GET OUT OF OUR FRONT YARD

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking