On a bleak morning night in the fall of midwinter,
I woke up between two ages and started to linger.
While the dull day patiently waited for me,
I was trying to find out reasons to cease to be.
The routine ate me like a hungry dog,
The day went so quick, yet the minute so long.
One thought ghosted me the entire day:
"What am I grateful for", today?
Death arrived suddenly, like an uninvited guest,
Followed me everywhere, wispering without rest.
It's cold clench splintered my brittle mind.
Nothingness, was all that was left behind.
Putting one foot in front of the other,
Despair took all the space that was inside.
No sign of joy, no tear to shudder,
I could barely say, that I was alive.
I couldn't relate to being a human anymore,
As if self-preservation was removed from the core.
Pain became so familiar, I barely noticed the drought,
Of warmth, of anything that reminded me what life was all about.
What is the point in carrying on?
When you feel like all the life from you is gone.
Heading home where no one is there to share a smile,
To meet you at your worst and misses you after goodbye.
As if the whole world would be a better place,
If you just decide to walk out of that gate.
There seems to be no point in staying,
But the price of leaving is too much for paying.
Yet hope trembles somewhere between the ribs.
It is stubborn enough not to leave.
The last string that keeps me breathing,
A walking skeleton barely counts as living.
Death plays tricks and tries to fool my brain.
Loneliness alone can drive you insane.
It cuts deep and hurt can be felt in every bone,
Leaving you with uncried tears and a numb groan.
You ask yourself a lot of questions while Death stays the night.
You can't win her that easily, not even with all your might.
Suicide slowly spreads inside your mind,
But the thought of dying just doesn't align
With all your previous believed dreams.
With all the hope and life that seems,
So unreal, far, and beyond touch,
That all you can do is simply watch.
How quick your life slowly fades away,
With steps heavier and heavier without your dismay.
Getting out of the bed seemed like a victory for the day,
Yet somehow, going to the job kept me from going totally astray.
Heading home, standing in front of the red light,
A sudden blue flash, lit up the darkened night.
My headphones skipped a beat or it was one of those silence,
Because I find myself turning my head towards the sirens.
As if everything in the world has stopped its existence,
And it's just me and this moving object in the distance.
The wispers abruptly turn shut; Somewhere someone is fighting to live,
Yet here I am, not sure if I'll pull the trigger under my chin.
It stood on the other side of the road,
The grim reaper as we are told.
Somehow deceiving us that peace is on the other side,
Only naivety could let us believe in this outrageous lie.
It stood still as if struck by a thought.
An idea so simple, yet for it's comprehension it was not.
That day, Death was conquered without any hate, or violence
For I am grateful, I am not the guy in the ambulance.