*wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating*

friend: did you get her diagnosis?

Two bananas in a field, running towards each other in slow motion before engaging in a tight embrace

DEVIL: I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL TO BURN FOREVER!

me: in preschool, the teacher had us write our favorite color and i accidentally wrote "red" instead of "green"

me: so?

[playing connect 4 with odin]

god: *angrily looking down at earth*

her: it's pill-ow!

bank robber: all right

[EMOJI TRANSLATIONS]

eleanor roosevelt: harry, why do you keep adding "-io" at the end of random words

To the tune of the golden girls theme song

her: it's kind of appropriate that the EAGLES are playing the PATRIOTS in these troubled political times

her: for all intensive purposes, i'd say its a doggy dog world out their, and, irregardless of how you live you're life, you might end up with carpool tunnel syndrome or assburgers or oldtimers

Live life to the fullest

ME: And I anoint you with this oil to bless you

*crosses out "7th bday party" on a VHS label*

Mike Pence: i did it again

Dearest Rebekkah,