I've been through all the pain I could tolerate.
It has made me stronger, yes. But it was a Strength I never asked for, a power that I hope to never need again.
But it did something else as well...
It made me a bit cynical.
I find that I can no longer truly enjoy the peaceful and quiet moments in this life, for I am always waiting for that "other shoe" to drop,
expecting disaster to rear again its ugly head and beset me with some new calamity.
And I am tired.
Tired of facing the beast. Tired of fighting the fight. Tired of knowing what I know but yet, unable to relate because the others depend upon a lie.
I'm tired of the expectation created by my past. Waiting for fate to step in again and bestow upon me yet another trial.
People tell me to let go of my past...like it's an option available to me...
But I don't hold on to my past... It holds on to me.
Like some giant dragon, It's jaws open wide, constantly beleaguering me to give up and accept my fate, it won't let me go.
What do you do in those moments?
How does one stand while fighting against the end of his world?
Then, in the midst of all the doubt, she comes.
She comes quietly, offering to me a love such as I have never known, quieting the rage, dispelling the grief, giving me hope...
The dragon is still there, I can feel him, waiting to ruin what I have...
But I've not seen him nor his tricks in some time.
Maybe, just maybe...it's finally been slain.
Maybe, in a little more time, I can finally let down my guard ...
And enjoy this life I have.