I asked him desperately this time, "Is this what you wanted? Always?" I collapsed on the floor, in front of him, my whole body aching as hell.
Tears didn't seem to listen as they streamed down my face, my chest was tight and aching and wanted a release badly. "I am breaking inside out and you don't seem to bother anyway.
" I shouted aloud, failing tremendously to be composed this time, "Don't just ignore me, like you always do. I will accept whatever you decide for me, for us...but don't ignore me, please.
Hurt me, push me, pinch me anything but just talk to me. I cannot anymore tolerate your silence. Please!" My body shook of the suddenly erupting sob and I sank lower.
My eyes stung and looked down. I found soon after that my complaints are falling in the deaf ears. I felt shrunken and broke and devastated. I wanted to be his belonging.
I wanted to love him and in return, was I asking for too much? Wasn't I deserving? I started to doubt on my ability.
His silence made me doubt on the fact who I am!
I wanted to scream, run around the empty streets at night and scream his name over and over so that wherever he would be, he would listen to my call.
I wanted to drown myself for the answers I never received from him. As expected, he never answered, neither in the past nor at the present. I felt tired.
I looked up at him, his lotus petals like intelligent eyes, always shines bright. He stood there silently, watching me crumpling on the floor, nonetheless, he remained silent.
I felt my chest aching, for a known reason, for never being enough.
Teary eyed I looked at him, his still eyes were on me, they were distant, oh, so very distant, I asked, "Will I be always left out? Won't you ever accept me?
I know, without your consent, I cannot do anything. To find my destiny, my freedom, my peace...You is all I needed. But, you don't seem to understand the pain I have been bearing inside me.
I am tired. Please, have mercy on me, please." I pleaded to him, defeated. But, he remained silent as usual. His silence was now starting to scare me.
I loved him from the core of my heart, at least I claimed so always. I knew I still lacked in so many things, I knew. But circumstances were never favourable.
And honestly telling this was not an excuse, this was the reality I was facing. I turned my head to encounter with an empty room.
Me and Him were the only one present and still he never recognized my presence before him. I cried out in despondence.
"Are you punishing me for my faults? For every mistakes I have made, are you giving me punishments for them?" A second sob erupted from my mouth, "Say something! Please."
In response to all my self-loathing and complaints and hurts and wishes, he looked at me and smiled.
A smile, which has meaning I was too afraid to learn.