Blasphememes
Blasphememes
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mrniceguy
mrniceguy Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   a year ago
Funny retelling of the classic genesis story.

Blasphememes

PROLOGUE

In the beginning there was God.

Not many know how or why God was there at the beginning, but when asked to comment, God responded: "It's best that you don't ask too many questions and just enjoy the ride.

Think of Existence as one big dorm party and the universe, as you - the drunk friend that's passed out, only to awake and see their buddy God there.

At first you're like, 'Where the fuck did he come from?' But then again, aren't you glad you're not alone?"

So God got bored and decided to make stuff. God created universes and galaxies and chickens and mountains and AIDS.

God would like to take this moment to clarify that their preferred pronouns is they/them. "I have no idea, where those fuckers got it into them that I was a man. I created man.

They're arrogant, the whole lot of them, it all started with..."

Chapter 1: HELLO, WORLD!

So God decided to make sentient creatures. To be honest, I would've stopped after cats, they're pretty neat, but clearly God's somewhat of an over-achiever.

"So I decide to create this creature that's sorta like me, but not really. I called it Adam." Adam was a pretty advanced creature, and you could tell.

God spent literal minutes of thought into it's design, after all, it was going to be God's friend.

Adam opened it's eyes and gazed upon the beauty of all that God had created. For what seemed like forever, it was speechless, but then suddenly, it spoke:

"What the fuck is all of this? Where am I? What am I? Aaarrrghrhhhh!!!!"

Overwhelmed by all this information , Adam began running around like a headless chicken. Adam run around in circles, it's arms flaying in the air. God started to panic.

"Shit, I need to fix this." God looked around and picked up a rock that nearby Adam and bashed it on his head. Adam fell to the ground like a sack of rocks. The screaming stopped. "Oh fuck.

Oh fuck. Is it dead? Shit... They die so easily" God looked at the blood pooling on the ground. "Well, I better try again".

In an instant, the blood was gone and Adam began to groan, slowly waking up. But before it could have another panic attack God froze it in place . "Hi there...

So, my name is God, but all my friends call me Karl - You know what, just call me God for now.

Anyway, I created you (you're called Adam by the way) and this whole world that you are currently standing on. Pretty neat huh?"

There was a long pause. God began to fear that he they would have to kill Adam again. Finally, Adam spoke.

"But why?" he said, his body still frozen in place.

"What do you mean why?"

"Why did you make me?"

God was a bit confused. "Well, that's pretty ungrateful you know, I'm your creator, for mine's sake! If you must know, it's because I was feeling a bit lonely, that's all.

So I made you, and this little universe, so we can be buddies forever!"

"That sounds fun!"Said Adam, with the expression of a Labrador. " So do I also have powers like you ?"

God paused. "Well, no. You're essentially powerless compared to me. Pretty insignificant actually."

Adam was quite cross. "Well then, how can we be friends if we aren't even equals. Why didn't you just create another being like you, another 'God'.

The two of you could just chat the eons away making new stuff with all your mighty powers and shit!"

God began to get defensive. "I don't know! What, am I supposed to know everything?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Well, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure this shit out too!"

There was an awkward silence.

The first pig, who had been taking a shit in a nearby bush the entire time, realized that he shouldn't have been there, but felt too awkward to do anything, so he decided to wait it out.

God decided to change the subject. "Well, would you like a companion?"

"I thought I was your companion" said Adam.

"No. This is what's gonna happen: I'm gonna make you a companion, and the two of you can "companionize, and make more companions.

Wouldn't that be fun? I'll just be here, chilling out, watching, you know, doing God stuff"

"I guess that'd be fun, it'd be nice to have a companion. Come to think of it, I've been alone all my life (which was about 7 minutes 54 seconds), and I'm so tired of it!"

"Okay it's settled then, a companion for Adam! As perfect as you are, I think I'm gonna make your companion look a bit different. You know, just for variation."

"Yeah sure" said Adam. "It's not like I would treat it differently just because it had like, I don't know, a pair of tits."

"Yeah wouldn't that be weird, if you decided to treat it as less than an equal, all because it didn't have a ding-dong.

" "Or - and this might sound crazy, so hear me out - Or create a whole society based around exploiting and oppressing it (and those that looked like it) for your monetary and social gain!"

The two of them had a good laugh. "Aah...this misogyny is killing me!" God sighed. "Well, I'm done! Turn around, Adam, meet Lilith!"

Adam turned around and there was Lilith. "Hi there! I'm Adam, nice to meet you!"

"Hmm, hey. I can tell you're really excited, and I don't wanna be a party pooper or anything, but what I'm doing here?"

"Well, That's really up to you Lilith, you can do anything!" God said, smiling."

"Hmm, okay....So, can I kill Adam?"

"What."

"Can I kill Adam?"

The third awkward silence in the history of the universe had taken place. God was shocked. Adam moved about 7 inches to the right of Lilith.

"Why would you do that, my child?"

"I don't know, for fun. Look how excited he was to greet me, It's face was so stupid."

"That's not a reason to kill me! God, do something!"

"Lilith, you can't just kill someone because their face is stupid"

"But you said I could do anything"

"Well, I change my mind! In fact, there's gonna be a lot of rules from now on."

"Like what?"

"Like, no shitting in the garden of Purple Roses." The pig made a b-line for the exit. "No killing each other, no rude words, no eating from my special tree and no whistling!".

"Whistling?" Said Adam. "Yes. No whistling." "Hold on" said Lilith. " Why can't we eat from the special tree?"

"Because if you do, you'll a God, like me."

"And what's wrong with that?" said Lilith.

"You wouldn't be able to handle it, your little human bodies are not equipped for such power, you would explode."

"Then why did you put it there? If you didn't want us to eat from it, why would you put it there?"

"It's a test"

"Of what?"

"It's just a test alright! No more questions! Why can't you be like Adam and obey me?"

Lilith smirked. "because Adam is a bitch"

"No rude words!" Said God infuriated. "I'm gonna go take a nap, you guys are too much! Totally ruining my energy with all this toxicness!"

The presence of God left (although his perfume Creed Aventus Eau De Parfum, remained in the ether for a few hours). Lilith walked up to Adam, who was at this point still afraid.

"You know what Adam, I think you and me got started on the wrong foot." Lilith placed her hand on Adam's jaw, caressing it. His spine tingled with an intoxicating mixture of fear and lust.

Lilith looked him dead in the eyes, and smiled wickedly.

"You hungry?"

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