It's so bizzare talking about this, but here goes nothing.
I have a certain fascination with sexual activities.
Again, i'm a virgin, so maybe it's just kind of a "Forbidden Fruit" syndrome.
But when i think of the pleasures...
All the ways you can please the flesh.
All the irrational fantasies that make me hard.
It seems like something i would want to explore fully.
Dive into the world of erotic pleasure.
Know how my nerves can be used to bring me the most grand of feelings.
And how to make others feel the same.
All of this is probably because i interwine sex and love a lot.
I don't mean that they are always together, but when they are.
It must be...the stuff of dreams.
Of course i'm still alone in this regard.
So that's why i got so fixated on the Sex Shop and obtaining toys to play with myself.
Heh, i really wonder what my family will think of it.
My mom will be a bit bewildered, but i guess she'll understand.
My sis will probably look at the pile of toys, say "ooookay...", and then go talk to her friends about it.
I have literally no idea how my uncle will react. Probably will make fun of me because of it.
My dad...well, he probably won't ever know i had this little endeavor into the Sex Shop. And i really don't wanna reveal it to him.
Cause my dad can me a bit...closed minded.
But anyways, i'm becomming less afraid of talking about this stuff.
I again had the chance of talking to my mom about it but i flubbed it.
Tomorrow i have a visit to the therapist.
We'll probably pass by the glowing LED sign saying the S-word.
I'm gonna stop, turn and point.
"There, that's what i wanted to tell ya about. I wanna get myself some toys."
She already asked me if it was something buyable.
I have this strange feeling she knows exactly what it is.
Because i'm not good at hiding things.
But we're gonna do it tomorrow.
I promise myself.
I shouldn't be ashamed of it.
I want to please myself to the fullest extent.
I want my dildo.
And i'll get it, one way or another.
Today's the day.
I went to the therapist and she said i was making progress and she's glad i did.
So all i need is to keep it up. Great, i can do this!
But also today i talked to my mom about the sex shop.
As expected, she was surprised, but accepted anyway.
She also didn't know i was bissexual. I thought she knew, but i guess mothers can't discover everything about their sons...
So yeah, i felt a lot of relief when i opened myself to her. She's really the best mom.
And to be perfectly honest, i did a good job too. I mean, i was scared and nervous, but i knew the best thing was to tell her right now.
And so did i, and so i've gone to the sex shop.
My mom wasn't with me, obvioously. She was gone to work already.
So i entered the shop, held my nervousness back, and asked the girl about the sex shop stuff.
She led me into the back of the shop, and showed me some small stuff.
I was...kinda dissapointed.
I mean, i didn't want to go full depraved mode and ask for their good stuff.
So i just asked the girl for stuff for man going solo.
She showed me a little oily lotion and an egg thing masturbatory aid.
Well, i kinda had no idea what to get. I mean, i wanted a dildo, but perhaps let's buy the recommended stuff first.
What i didn't expect was the freaking price. I almost had no money to pay her.
And all i got was an egg and an itty bitty bottle of oil.
When i reached home, I went and examined the stuff a bit.
The egg was just the packaging. Inside there was a hollow silicone thing with a texture inside, as well as a small lube pack.
It felt interesting, but i'm not gonna try it right now. Perhaps tonight.
The lotion was seemingly just body lotion. Almost odorless. I...really have no idea about it.
Should i rub some on my dick? Should i rub it on my chest? How much should i use?
Yeah, i'm not sure about that one, but well, maybe next time i'll ask the attendant more about it.
Overall, i'm happy i'm indulging myself. Perhaps i'll get something for the backside next?
God, i'm such a depraved little man. But i guess that's what you become when you're alone.
You wanna feel good, and your body has the tools for it, so you just do it.
And then it becomes routine.
And then you get to learn about fetishes.
And then you get some sex toys.
It still feels depraved but fuck it.
It's for me, and me only.
If i like it, then it's fine.
I'm gritting my teeth.
The tears are falling already.
Why did you come back?
WHY? The need grows inside me.
Why can't i supress it now?
FUCK. Need to put it into words.
Put it into words.
Don't put it into tears.
I'm...scared of talking about what i'mNNNHHHHHGGGGGFFUUUUUUCK.
Why does it feel so fucking bad!
It feels like everyone...
Fuck they're falling again.
Why do i feel so alone?
Needy. So needy.
I had a good, happy week. Why the FUCK?
STOP FALLING YOU FUCKING TEARS
I can't ignore my feelings anymore.
Alone. Needy. Loveless.
They're piercing right now.
No matter how much i love myself.
No matter how much i believe in myself.
I know i can't be happy forever, but please...
...please give me more than a week before i go sad again.
I don't wanna go back.
I don't wanna go back to the dark pit again.
Crying is OK.
It means you still have feelings.
For the love of all that is holy.
For my sanity's sake.
Make it stop.
MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
I didn't forget my meds.
I had a wonderful day.
I even chatted with atlas which is so absent these days.
I know it.
She said she was going out with her boyfriend.
This is jealously.
This is my pride being hurt.
I WANT HER BACK!
GIVE ME HER BACK!
GIVE ME MY LITTLE BUNI!
But i also feel alone.
Where did i screw up?
I did everything correctly.
Where was i wrong?
My nose is running.
I lost count of the tears.
I'm a wreck right now.
I didn't want to feel like this again.
I didn't want to go back to the sadness.
I need to stop thinking...
...Thinking about love.
Ignore the need.
Wash away the loneliness.
Kick the jealously as hard as you can.
Be a man.
BE A FUCKING MAN GODAMMIT!
What you said about atlas.
When you said you still loved her.
You said you're gonna let her be free.
I know. It hurts. Very bad.
But she must be free.
She's not yours.
And you're free.
Maybe i want to be bound.
Bound to someone i...
No, don't say the word again.
Forget about it.
Man i screwed up big time.
My therapist said holding back my tears was a great self-control exercise.
I guess i just lost control of myself.
Let my Id run wild.
And it didn't feel good.
My SuperEgo tried to pull Id's chains.
But the Id was too strong now.
"Need...need love...need attention..."
As the Id ran wild, all the Ego could do was watch.
Watch the Id wreck the place up.
Watch unchained emotion trash apart.
Watch as his tears trailed before him.
He was desperate, he wanted love.
But love was nowhere to be found.
It would never stop.
Eventually Id got tired and was chained again.
However it will be only a matter of time when it breaks free once more.
I didn't even pass 30 minutes on my job and i'm tired already.
I stopped crying now.
I feel a bit better...but.
But what the fuck was that?
Why did i get so depressed all of a sudden?
Was it really because of jealously?
I'm not sure, but it seems like the most likely answer.
But it feels so wrong. I'm just atlas' friend now.
I have no right to interfere on her new relationship.
Rationally, i shouldn't have become so distressed.
But i guess rationality was not what was shaken here.
My subconscious or maybe unconscious may have been triggered by it.
Then my Id just went wild, and i couldn't hold it this time.
I feel defeated.
I feel like i shouldn't lose control like that.
I'm happy for her.
I'm happy for atlas.
Oh fuck they're coming back.
I better stop talking or thinking about it.
I'm just taunting myself at this point...
So mother wants to see his son's new toys...
Well, fuck, how can i say no?
I don't know what she was thinking i bought but she seemed slightly dissapointed.
"Yeah, mom, i didn't buy a freaking dildo you know?"
Well, i wanted to, but again, i was really nervous when i first entered the shop.
But anyways, i showed her the egg thing and the oily lotion...
Then, when i said they just gave me a small sample of lubricant, she said she had like two bottles of it.
...Yeah, i immediately thought of that, but i digress...
I was actually glad she had some cause i don't think i can use the egg thing without it.
I mean, i could use soap, but it burns sometimes, as i said before.
So anyway, she gave me the small bottle of lubricant for me to use.
...But i suspect it's slightly out of date. And by slightly i mean very.
Well, it's not like it's gonna give me a freaking STD anyway.
And she said it was cheap to buy it on pharmacies so i guess i could just buy myself a new one.
But nonetheless, i was a bit surprised she actually wanted to see the toys.
I mean, it's nothing major, but it shows that she cares for me, in a way.
Oh, and also she calls dildos "rubber friends".
That's a new one.