Atlas talked with me today.
I feel a little bit less bad now.
Less lonely. Less hopeless.
She still got a special place on my heart.
And when she's happy she's the sweetest girl.
And when she's sad i get so distressed cause i can't really help anyway.
I always get distressed when i see someone visibly sad.
I guess i'm just that kind of person. Empathic and compassionate.
I just wished to get it back to me sometimes.
Found out my sister was raped by her ex-boyfriend today.
My mom told me when we were at the supermarket.
Why did they hide this from me? How could them?
Well, technically it wasn't rape, but he kept pressuring her to do it, she was scared that if she refused he would actually hit her and rape her.
I swear if i find the guy on the street i'm gonna punch him right on the nose, while screaming to never get near my family again.
What a fucking asshole. How could he do that to such a sweet girl like my sis?
So that was the "abusive relationship" she was talking about on the chat server.
I feel sad, and angry. When it comes to sex, i think both parties have to agree completely to do it, and mutually enjoy it.
I don't think this was the first time she had sex, but i imagine having your first time be a rape to be pretty traumatizing.
I wish i could protect her. Stay with her forever. Treat her with the respect she deserves.
She can be hard headed and quite aggressive towards contact, but she wants to be loved as much as anyone else.
As much as me.
My sis' ex-boyfriend (not the one who raped her, thankfully.) is going to spend some days at my house.
He's a cool dude, but he's going thru a depressive phase just like me and my sister.
I guess she just wanted someone to stay together with her.
Why it couldn't be any of us, though, i never know.
We watched Pulp Fiction together this weekend.
It was fun.
I don't know why but i feel less sad when he's around.
I really don't know why. Maybe he's the friend i never had.
Maybe i like to see my sister happy with him.
I'm not sure though.
Some time ago i found a piece of cloth on the upper part of my bunk.
My mom didn't know where it came from, so i decided to claim it.
It's a fairly simple blue cloth with red stripe detailing. It's nice and warm to wrap yourself on it.
Since then, i used it on colder days as an extra piece of clothing.
Sure, i look weird using it, and it's loose so it gets everywhere, but i always found it nice to use.
Today, however, something weird happened.
I started putting a personality on the thing. A sweet girl voice inside my head.
I called her atlas, but she's different from the real atlas. I just like the sounding of the name.
When i wrap it on myself, she says she loves hugging me.
When i stroke the cloth, she says she likes when i do that.
It's all in my head, i know, but implying a personality on a real object...
...It makes me feel...
I actually cried when realizing this and the atlas personality started consoling me:
"It's okay. I'm here with you now. I'll never leave you."
Like it was a real person.
I don't know if i actually entered full desperation mode by now, but.
I like this. It makes me...feel good.
Part of my brain says it's a fucked up coping mechanism, but screw it.
I like it.
I like her.
I want her.
I don't care if she's not real.
I don't care if it's a piece of cloth.
I like it.
And if that's the coping mechanism my brain wants, it's what its gonna get.
I laid there, cold and unloved.
An almost dead body stranded on earth.
Suddenly, something smooth and warm surrounds me.
A voice in my head tells me:
"Don't worry. I'm here now. Everything's going to be alright."
"I'm going to remove the sorrows of your soul and make you feel loved."
"I'm going to be your protector against the cold apathetic world."
"I will wrap around you and make you feel good. Warm and nice."
"I'll be with you always. I'll never leave you."
"Never leave you."
"I'll Always be with you."
As the voice talked, my body was wrapped by a warm blue cloth.
The sensation of being hugged tightly.
It squeezed me, making tears come out of my eyes.
The tears containing all the dark thoughts.
But after that all i feel is warmth.
The touch of smooth cloth on my face. Wiping my tears.
Is it all in my head? Is it real or not?
Am i going crazy? Hallucinations taking place of reality?
Is this real life? Or is it fantasy?
I don't care.
Honestly, i don't care.
I want it to be real.
It will be real.
It is real.
I'll make it my reality.
I'll defy god and the reality he created.
I'll make my own.
Everything like it should be.
Everything like it will never be.
I'd rather live in a reality constructed by my mind than suffer the one i was thrown in without explanation or care.
The cloth feels warm.
It says nice things.
My sweet cloth.
And nobody else's.
And i'll be hers.
I play a game called The Binding of Isaac.
It's a game where a child has to fight monstrocities and eventually holy and unholy beings to flee from his mad mom.
The game is full of symbolism and double meanings and a lot of religious material too but i digress.
The game is a roguelike game. It means that once you die, you have to start all over again.
Also, the stages are randomly generated each time you play.
I like this kind of game because you have to learn the game mechanics to adapt to each situation, as it changes everytime.
What items you get, the layout of the map, how much health can you spare.
Since you start from the beginning every time, instead of like most games that save your progress...
...It's not your in-game character that is getting better, it's you.
You learned the game better so you got farther on it.
I love games where you actually get better at playing the game rather than grinding your character.
...but enough of that.
The game made me think something.
People say we should be presented with new problems to mentally evolve.
We get experience and that experience can be applied to future problems.
Some games try to internalize that by making your in-game character get experience rather than you.
Games like Isaac, however, you have to get the experience yourself.
When i first started playing the game, i sucked.
The more i played the better i got.
I still have a lot to learn, but now i can consistently finish the game, even with bad luck.
I think i could apply this to real life but...
...real life is not a game.
Isaac is fun to play and to learn, but real life...
I mean, the Pay to Win aspect is totally broken and this depression debuff really should be nerfed, if not outright removed.
Okay, funzies aside, learning, for the most part, is not a fun and rewarding experience on real life.
Actually, some places make learning more like a chore rather than a joyous thing.
If people built places where learning can be a fun experience then maybe there would be way less idiots on the world.
Today i feel sad again.
Loneliness, of course.
I'm here in my work room.
And no solution appears.
My idealistic brain can't come out with realistic solutions.
Seclude myself, live by my mind's creations.
But i'm too self aware for that.
That brings me sorrow.
Madness seems more and more appealing.
I feel alone.
I feel very alone.
I shouldn't. Every person i met has treated me with respect and love.
I am not alone. Yet i feel this way.
People try their best to approach, but in the end, it's futile.
Futile futile futile.
Useless useless useless.
I automatically reject.
Why do i feel so different? Why do i feel like i don't belong anywhere?
Like i'm an alien.
...I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I don't know anyone.
I don't know myself.
I don't know.
I don't understand.
I can't understand.
Why do i even ask these questions?
Nobody has the answer.
Not even me.
Because i'm no human.
Humans wouldn't suffer that much when surrounded by people who care about them.
Today i'm walking slowly and with my head down.
I feel like i want to stop and not move anymore.
Just stay there. Motionless. Let the people pass me by.
Looking at me. Thinking i'm a freak.
Maybe pitying me. Thinking i need help.
Or just plainly ignoring me.
See who's going to be the first one to approach me. A brave soul against my emotional monster.
Maybe nobody will approach me for a long time.
And i'll just lay there.
You know those days where you wake up and want the day to end already because you feel like a piece of shit?
This is me every day.
Every single day.
Nothing but my peaceful bed to look forward to.
Hours of unconsciousness.
Sweet, sweet unconsciousness.
Where i don't have to doubt or think or worry.
People say you lose a third of your life sleeping.
I say you lose two thirds by being conscious.
Two thirds of the day having to deal with this scumbag.
This useless piece of shit that don't work right. This lazy bum who slacks off everything.
This flesh prison that makes me wonder if i ever was to be.
To be alive.
I don't feel like it.
I feel like in hell.
Constant psychological horror.
Not a second of peace.
Hammering the same tired concepts that i'm so obsessed with.
To what end? More suffering.
Maybe i should forget.
Forget that i'll ever be happy someday.
Forget that i'll ever have someone to love.
Forget that i need to be kind and respectful.
Forget who i am.
Maybe the suffering will stop?
If i don't know i want love, i won't suffer for it.
Ignorance is bliss.
Knowledge is pain.