So i sent kind of a message to atlas saying i got distressed cause of jealously.
She didn't want to comment on the subject. Instead she focused the conversation on her new drawing.
Which looks great.
I feel a bit...betrayed.
I don't want to stir up my Id today.
He's been behaving nicely so far.
But i can see him crying.
I also want to cry.
But i'll hold.
This time, i'll hold.
My Id isn't necessarily evil, but he's very emotional.
And the lack of love and attention makes him cranky.
My SuperEgo tries to tend to him a lot.
Remarking how he's loved by his family and internet friends and coworkers.
But sometimes this kind of love isn't the one Id wants.
And when Id wants something he doesn't get...
...well you can see the wreckage on a few chapters ago.
I love my Id.
He makes me compassionate, empathic and loving.
Which i think is something good to have, at least.
But he's such a delicate creature...
He can certainly do some damage when distressed, but you have to be very careful to not distress him.
Cause my SuperEgo can be smart, but he isn't that strong to keep my Id in check if he's misbehaving.
And my Id is yanking the chain right now.
He's not nearly as mad as yesterday but.
But no matter how much i love him, he's still a threat to my well being if let loose.
I want to feed him love.
I want to feed him affection.
He doesn't like the "self-love" subistitute, or the lower grade "friendship" flavor.
But he eats it anyway, as it's as close he's gonna get for the time being.
Okay, the tears are here again.
I wanna cry so badly.
But i gotta control.
Gotta control my Id.
Gotta control myself.
Oh, atlas is online...
She's being so nice to me.
And she says it's genuine too.
Fuck the tears are coming.
I don't know why but when atlas says it.
Now we're creating a character. Just like old times.
Makes me both happy and sad.
Happy because i'm talking with atlas and making her happy.
Sad because it reminds me of the pain.
But i'm more happy than sad.
And that's cool, i guess.
Only problem is that, since i'm at work, when duty calls, i gotta go.
And when i came back she's gone. I don't expect her to be online all the time
But i feel like i'm abandoning her there.
Like i'm not being a good friend.
And i want to be the best i can for Atlas.
Cause she's special to me. It's always worth it if it's for Atlas.
Don't ask me why i think like this. I don't think like this.
I feel like this.
This is my heart speaking.
The fuzzy feelings and the warm sighs i get when talking to her. That's something i only feel with her.
I expected my Id to go full berserk when i got time to talk to atlas, but surprisingly it remained quiet.
I can hear his cries. But he's happy for the moment he got with atlas.
But he cries because he knows she's never be his again.
And that hurts.
Fucking tears. Stay inside my glands.
And she's feeling weird. I never like it when she feels like that.
It gives me that feeling of helplessness.
I can't help her. I can try and help her discover on her own but.
But i kinda wanted to be with her right now.
Hold her and hug her and say "it's gonna be okay, i'm here with you. I won't leave you"...
But i can't...
Okay now we're back at creating the characters. We're having fun.
She made a character that relates a lot to me.
She says it relates to her too.
This is so cool.
Now i was a bit selfish and asked her to create a character based on what she knows about me.
It's an Native Brazilian tribe leader which is protective of his tribe.
Interesting interpretation. I like it.
Now she wants to browse e621 and make some...
...slutty furry characters.
That's...what we used to do when...
...you know, in the middle of the night, everybody sleeping.
We both going at ourselves creating sexual characters.
Welp, now i'm literally making her wet by sexting and roleplaying.
And i won't lie. this is the best feeling.
When you can make a girl wet and horny and eventually cum just by text.
It makes me feel...like i have sort of a...hidden power?
I mean, it makes me feel good, because i'm making her feel good.
Even if we're kilometers away, we can pleasure each other's minds.
...She told me she just wanted things to be like old times.
THAT JUST MAKES ME FEEL.
FEEL SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD.
LOVE AND ATTENTION.
IT TASTES GOOOOOOOD.
It was like recieving something i longed for.
This familiar feeling.
The kind only atlas can give.
The feeling she longs for when we were lovers.
It fills me with determination.
She was so attentive to me today.
So sweet, so funny, so good to me.
She gave me the love i craved since we broke up.
THIS IS THE BEST HIGH!
...but now she's sad?
She's saying she isn't a nice person and that she's annoying.
I don't think she realizes how much she's worth to me.
Now she wants to be alone.
I'll respect her.
She deserves it.
I get my blanket and hug it with all my might.
Tears fall into it.
Happy i am.
Happy i'll be.
My sister was doing some housekeeping today.
Says she wants to organize for when she starts her university courses.
I mean, okay, i asked if she wanted help, and i helped her for a bit.
But she also said that i should hide the stuff i bought from the sex shop.
She's right, and i feel like that too...
...But it made me think about something.
The toys are there. Anyone enetring my room can see.
I'm...not really ashamed of it.
Reasonably i would hide them somewhere, but...
...I never felt like it would affect my image, so to speak.
Maybe...maybe i want to be seen like this.
Depraved and lustful. A man of carnal needs.
I don't have any shame on using my toys for pleasure.
I don't have any shame on showing them to others.
Why should i have shame on just letting them stay on my shelf.
It's not like it's only me who uses such things.
And i feel like i'm not really a goody-two-shoes anymore.
I'm naugthy, depraved, addicted to the flesh and to the animal.
And i love it. It brings me pleasure.
What does it matter if others feel disgusted?
They're feeling disgusted because they can't confess to their true feelings.
Cause the body can't lie.
If it makes you hard and horny, then it does.
No need to question if it's correct or not.
You want it. You long for it.
But the more you try and supress yourself, your own feelings.
The more frustrated you'll become.
I don't care if it's taboo.
I don't care.
It's all about me now.
Mine. My toys. My room. My rules.
If you don't like it, leave.
I'll keep showing them in the shelf.
And if you still don't like it, then.
...i don't care.