Why do i cry? what do i so desperately want? All of a sudden i just want to cry and cry and not stop.
I want to feel loved, truly loved and cared by someone. Why can't i feel this. Why must i suffer like that.
I feel alone. I feel like nobody could return the love i give. Not that it matters since i won't meet them anyway.
I see stories of happy couples and i wonder if i would ever be happy like that.
I want a girl. She'll set me right, make me feel right, comfort me, tell me it's gonna be alright.
I want her to hug me, kiss me. I want us to cuddle together and feel like we're both the most important person in each other's lives.
And yes, i want to fuck her too. Not only out of curiosity, but to make an intimate bond with her.
I want to fondle her breasts, lick her nipples, lap her pussy and penetrate it. Make her feel good and wanted and sexy. Make her feel the pleasure i could never have.
I don't know if it's the hormones talking, but i really want it right now. So i fill my life with porn and try to fix that hole in my heart.
Because the day will never come. The girl i want doesn't exist, and even if she did, i would never meet her.
I will never meet anyone who will bring me true happiness.
And the worst part is that it's all my fault.
It's always my fault.
I'm the one who secludes himself, i'm the anxious one, i'm the afraid one, i'm the ugly one, i'm the wrong one.
I'm the one people want to ignore. I'm the scourge of society, the part they hide away and pray it dies soon.
Because being sad is not socially acceptable.
If society doesn't want me, why would i want to be within it?
Because i have no choice. I'm not in control of myself. And the ones who are rejected me.
I am but reject, scum, trash, garbage, residue, rotten, i'm a shitstain of a person.
Sometimes i wonder if i'm fighting something internally. Something that will make me snap and go mad.
Something inside my head that wants to take control of me, and is making me miserable otherwise.
Is this man inside my head so hideous and bad that letting it out would make me like an animal?
Running on instinct, not having to think about it. would i suffer as bad as i do?
Sometimes i wonder.
I pet my cats and they purr. It's that easy to make them feel happy and loved.
I wish it was that easy for me to feel like that.
Everything feels so complicated, i wish things were simple. Maybe i was not fit to be a person at all.
Maybe i'm a wild animal inside a human body. That's why i struggle and suffer.
I mean, animals do suffer, but not in the way i'm suffering. Their minds are too simple for that.
It's not that i want to be an animal. It's just that it feels like i would be able to find love that way.
Is that what my life is about? Is that what pushes me forward and makes me suffer?
The need for true love?
Is that all i need? Do i deserve it? I feel like half a person, like something's missing from me.
And that i may never find my other half.
Today is a new day. I feel...okay. But empty otherwise.
This emptiness that makes me have goosebumps and cold sweats. This feeling of impending doom.
The scary thought that the sadness may come back at any moment.
I cherish any happiness i can get, trying to extend it for as long as possible.
But eventually the sadness comes back. With no explanation other than the feeling of being alone.
The feeling that nobody could understand me. The feeling that even i can't understand myself.
The helplessness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the meaningless existence of my being.
I don't even know what love is, yet i'm desperate for it, because of the fantasies my head creates.
I exist in a reality that i despise, and i long for something that may never come, or even exist.
I need meaning. I need a direction. I need the strength to change. Yet i have none of these things.
Instead i lay there, motionless, waiting for someone to rescue me, as if i was worth a damn.
I'm selfish. All i can think is of myself, of my sorrow, and my fantasies, and how i want to feel good.
I need something i'll never have. I'll live forever in misery and loneliness. I am meaningless.
That's what my brain tells me. That's what he wants my reality to be. And i hate it.
I hate myself, i hate my brain, i hate. Why must i be this piece of crap. Worthless, unloved one.
Love will never come to me, and i'll never go get it myself.
I wake up every day feeling like shit, wishing i could stay in bed forever.
I don't want to do anything. Nothing feels worthy anymore. All i want is peace.
I don't want to think. It hurts to think. Thinking is bad.
Thinking is bad.
Please make it stop.
Please make it stop.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.
It only thinks bad things. I want to think good things.
Where are my happy thoughts? Where are my good feelings? Where is it?
Please tell me where they are.
I want them back.
Why can't i have them back?
Where is my love?
What is love?
What do i want?
Hurts so bad.
Make it stop.
Why do i even write these. Do i feel better to be expressing myself? Maybe.
Maybe putting words out may make me understand my feelings better.
Maybe all this mad rant is going to be of some use someday.
Maybe all i want is to be understood.
What am i, who am i, what is my purpose?
What is my fight? What are my ideals?
So many blanks, so many blanks, so many blanks in myself.
What do i like? What do i dislike?
What do i do? What do i not do?
I am unsure of everything. Everything i do is a shot in the dark.
And all i do is miss.
Miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss.
I don't want to be myself anymore.
I don't want to be anymore.
I want to unhappen.
Is this my true self? Are these words what i truly am?
I'm writing to myself. I have no reason to lie.
Is this my definition? My true self. What i am behind a mask of hapiness?
How many people are like this? How many people suffer as bad as i do.
I can't bear suffering. Not only on myself, but on others as well.
Nobody should suffer. Suffering is bad and everyone has to fight it.
Suffering should end. Why do we still suffer?
Where is my dose of happiness? Where is my magical medicine?
What are we progressing towards? More suffering?
I want to live in my dreams.
Fantasies of happiness and pleasure.
Why do i even have them? Why do i crave for such unrealistic standards?
Among them strange, bizarre fantasies arise.
At first i questioned why, and if it was okay.
But then i realized it was meaningless. It was all in my head anyway.
What harm could it do? And it feels good.
Damn it feels good. It was like receiving something i craved for a long time.
And now i can't stop craving it more and more.
It's the only thing that comforts me now. The pleasures of the flesh, that not even my brain can deny.
They're now part of me. I won't let them go. Ever.
Why? Why can't i feel. It seems like my body rejects it.
My family, my coworkers, my internet friends, even the teachers at my workplace.
They all seem to care so much for me.
Then why. Why can't i feel it? I should be happy, shouldn't i?
why do i feel nothing.
I hug my mom. I feel nothing. Why can't i feel the love of my own mother?
What is this curse. Am i soulless. Was i ever meant to be born, to be a human being?
Everything feels off. Like i don't belong. That i should flee.
Flee from everything. Flee from everyone. Flee to a far away place.
But where do i go? I have no idea.
Where do i belong? What is my place in the world?
Atlas just broke with her new boyfriend.
I feel sad for her.
I remember the day i declared myself to her. I was so nervous.
When she said she felt the same for me, i was speechless.
My heart was pounding, my body was shaking, sweating.
I felt so relieved and so happy. Because i thought i found love.
I've never been the same since Atlas said she was nothing but a mask, and that her true self was incapable of loving.
I felt so destroyed, so betrayed. She broke up with me soon after.
But no matter what, i can't hate her. I can't hate others.
No matter what, i understand she as a human being with reasons for her actions.
No matter what, i'll always direct the blame to myself.
Always to myself.
I wasn't good enough for her.
I'm not good enough to be loved.
Is this helping? Please tell me it's helping.
I'm desperate for a solution. I can't wait anymore.
Is it my fault i didn't search for help sooner?
I'm clinging to loose branches now. They may break anytime soon.
And when i fall, i don't think i'll want to get up.
I'll lay there, immobilized. Thinking why did the branch break.
It was because i was too fat.
It's my fault.
The last few years we saw a insurgency of social fights.
Feminism. LGBT. Black people.
Where is my social justice?
If depression is such a huge problem, why there are no fights for it?
Are we not worthy of being a social problem. Are we being ignored by both the majority and minority?
Are we so insignificant nobody cares?
I'm empty. I feel nothing.
I'm absolutely empty. I could lay on the ground and let myself die from malnourishment.
Help me please.
I can't move.
I can't talk.
I can't feel.
I can't love.
I can't hate.
I don't know.
I don't care.
I just want to be rescued.
My screams of pain. My cries of suffering.
Where's my guardian angel? Where's my benevolent god?
Who have i angered so much to make my life miserable?
Is this destiny? Is this my fate? Is there no exit from this dark pit?
I can't even see the light anymore. It is too dim, and i am too blind to see.