After sometime Matthew starts to notice that James is good at Calculus and starts to wonder why he asked him for help if he was so good at Calculus. "James, why am I here?"
James looks up confused at what he is talking about. "What do you mean Matthew?"
"James I can see you are good at Calculus. You are so good that you can make straight A's all year.
James why did have me come here to teach you Calculus if you are perfectly fine with the subject.
"Ummm...." James hesitates and tries to come up with something but doesn't. "Umm... I... I asked you to come here because of... I..." James looks at his hands and looks nervous.
After internally debating with himself he shakes his head and gets close to Matthew.
"What... What are you..." but before Matthew can finish his sentence James pushes Matthew down on his bed and kisses him.
Matthew enters shock, not knowing what to do until memories of Andrew come to his mind. He freaks out, scared of it happening again, and tries to get James to get off of him.
James stops kissing his lips and goes for his neck.
"Please... Please, James, get off of me I beg of you." James stops but that doesn't stop the memories.
The memories that Andrew used to touch him, where Andrew would always touch when he was in trouble with his old best friend.
He remembers the first time his friend touched him, molesting him almost every single day just trying to find an excuse to abuse him.
Every time it was stopped by his mom but the day his mom went out on a business trip for six months it all changed. His friend had anger in his eyes and sought to be with him with lustful eyes.
Matthew was crying, not caring about what James would think, what anyone would think about him being a supposed man.
James touched his shoulder in hopes to comfort him but it only makes Matthew feel worse. Matthew shook terrified since he believed that James was going to do the same thing too.
"Andrew..." Matthew cries at the thought of James' hands being the size of his friends. James finally lets go of his shoulder, confused about why the kiss had affected him so badly.
"Andrew? Who's Andrew?" James was so confused. "Are you thinking of someone else? I'm James remember. I'm sorry, you will be okay. Andrew won't hurt you because he isn't here.
" At this point Matthew didn't care anymore, he got up taking advantage that James was confused and runs towards the exit.
He gets out the door, starts the ignition of his truck as fast as he can drives off with tears still running down his face.
He drives down the road, going through the streets towards Charlie's house out of instinct.
He can't contain the pain anymore and as he finally parks his truck outside of Charlie's house he walks in heading to Charlie's room.
He knocks and Charlie, knowing it is Matthew since he has a key and is the only one that knocks, says come in without hesitation.
Matthew walks in and hugs Charlie bursting into tears just aching and finally being able to let it out.
"Charlie, I... James... And... and what if ...Andrew" Matthew says trying to speak as he cries out of the anxiety filling his lungs.
"What did James do? Did he hurt you? Are you okay? Do I need to call the police?" Charlie pulls Matthew away for a bit and looks for any scratches or marks on him.
"Did he hurt you?" Charlie was scared for his response, scare at the thought of her best friend being raped again and here not being able to be there to help him.
Matthew shakes his head no in response "He... He just kissed me and it reminded me of what happened with Andrew.
" Matthew was breathing heavily, trying to calm down but the anxiety was there even if you didn't know Matthew.
A random stranger could walk in and notice Matthew was getting an anxiety attack despite how casual he looks on the outside because of his eyes.
Time passed, slowly but surely, Matthew fell asleep while Charlie comforted him. Charlie grabbed his phone and called Collin, telling him everything that had happened.
Rage filled Collin wanting to go comfort Matthew but he knew he would only make it worse. Matthew would be terrified of seeing another guy and he would only intensify his memories.
He ended the call with Charlie and tears started to go down his face. No matter how much he wanted to see him the only thing that was stopping him was himself.
Man, I wish I could go and hold Matthew in my arms but I can't. I have to get away from him because I don't want these feelings I have for Matthew to get stronger than what they already are now.
The truth is that I like Matthew but I know he would never feel the same way. I have to get away from him, I have to get him to hate me so that I can hate him.
I have to stop liking him because soon I'll end up falling in love with him.
Collin then gets up not being able to resist the urge of cutting his thighs again but as he grabs his knife he stops, he realized that he wasn't upset because of his father,
he was upset because of Matthew. It was Matthew that captured him with his charm which made him hate yet like him. He put the knife back into the small box and heads to his closet.
He goes into getting his box from the back of his closet. It was his memory box he had kept with everything Matthew had given him.
It wasn't much but inside of it was the present Matthew had given him for his birthday, a pocket knife.
Matthew knew he loved pocket knives, anything with a blade but he didn't know why, this is why.
It wasn't the only thing Matthew had given him but at that moment it was the only thing he cared about.
He was crying, not because of the blade going into his skin carving a new word but because he didn't want to admit he was falling in love.
The blood started to cover up his pocket knife the way he liked it, giving him a sense of comfort and relief through his confusion and dedication to getting away from Matthew.
When he would cut himself it was like something would take over him, he loved that he was able to focus on the physical pain and forget about the emotional pain he was going through for a while.
He knew that what he was doing was wrong but if he couldn't kill himself as he wanted to the day he was raped what else could he do?
Nothing seemed to comfort him but his knife which he had dedicated his time to since he was thirteen.
Collin was surprised that he was not out of room yet since it has been four years of cutting. Collin didn't cut himself every single day, he just did it when he was truly that desperate.
Once he stopped he looked down, a new word was formed on his thigh which sent chills down his spine, love. That word he despised and caused his so much pain in this world full of evil and chaos.
He breathes in, trying not to burst into tears as he realized there was another word on his other thigh. Why he did it, he didn't know. It was just his hand taking over releasing the pain.
He sheds a tear and reads it out loud, Matt.
He can't help this love, this love that was thriving inside of him consuming his mind, his thoughts, and overall every part of him physically and mentally.
I love him so much, why can't he just get out of my head? Please leave, please don't let me consume all of you. Collin falls asleep, Matthew's smile and laugh in his dreams.
Tears rolled down his face because he knew that the dreams he had been having lately would never come true.
Matthew wasn't doing so well either, after leaving Charlie's house. He came home to his parents yelling at him to accept that what he did was wrong.
"James is a good boy if anything I bet you forced him to do those horrible things with you. Own it, Matthew, we all know you are gay." His mom said in a voice of disappointment.
"What?" Matthew says dumbfounded. "What does my sexuality have to do in this? Just because I'm supposedly gay doesn't mean I would forcefully kiss James. Do you not believe me!?"
"Yeah right, just like Andrew right? I'm sick and tired of you blaming these poor boys for your sexuality. Just admit it and own it instead of trying to cover it up.
First, you say that Andrew molested and raped you. Now you are saying that your friend kissed you which causes you to have an anxiety attack? I don't have time to be dealing with your nonsense.
" Matthew's dad says as he walks off into his bedroom.
"Are you serious Mathew? Look I know we said we didn't like gay people before but we have changed. It's okay honey, just say the truth and we will accept you just the way you are.
" Matthew's mom hugs Matthew in an attempt to comfort him but all she was doing was making it worse. Matthew pulls away, he just can't take any more of this.
"But I am saying the truth. He molested me and tried to get me to have sex with him.
Andrew raped me, mom! Do you think I would lie about such a thing?" Matthew's voice cracked doing his best not to sob and go for comfort in his mom's arms even though she didn't believe him.
Matthew's mom shakes her head in disappointment. "I thought that you knew better not to lie to me but you don't care about ruining someone's reputation for your own selfish needs.
You disgust me, I thought you were better than this. You are a disappointment, a disgrace, and I wish I would have raised you better so I won't have this sad of an excuse as a child."
Matthew's mom raises her hand close to Matthew's face pulling back making Matthew wince and closes his eyes ready for the hit but it doesn't come.
He slowly opens his eyes and sees his mom shake her head and put her hand down.
"You don't deserve any of my effort in changing you. No one should touch you and your horrible ways. I would have accepted you for who you are but now you are just a sad excuse for a child.
I wish I would have listened to your grandmother and sent you to a military school then at least you would have been disciplined.
" With that, she leaves and goes into her room to join his father leaving Matthew wondering what he was going to do.