So yeah, hi there guys. I've been away for months and I'm back but not with a poem more of like a rant/whine or confession to make. An old friend of mine messaged me asking me if I was okay, it was very unusual for me to receive messages. I had really no idea what to say in reply. I wasn't either doing bad or good, neither sad or happy.
My days was a streak of ordinary days and a total crap storm, and I always felt nothing. I can't really tell where I stand among them so, I ended up dodging the question. The conversation went on and I know I wasn't giving the satisfactory answers to her questions. I felt bad that I was like toying around with her time despite that she was kind enough to check up on me
that even my closest friends wasn't able to do. I know that she was trying her best to get a grasp of my current state helping me up to be more positive , to be happy but being the difficult me that I was always was. I tired her out and managed to end the conversation without any solutions made and her disappointed (maybe), and I didn't even thanked her
So here I am to make my apologies. I'm sorry that I can't even answer one simple question. It's just really hard to answer "no, I'm not okay" then end up without anything in return for and explanation why I wasn't okay. I'm sorry I can't answer that question hearing that question always makes me tear up a little realizing , remembering that there wasn't anything I can't point out to be good.
Sorry that I can't reach out and be happy. It was just really difficult for me to be happy. It was just really difficult for me to be happy when life shows me a hundred times over that I shouldn't be. I'm sorry that I couldn't be positive enough to appreciate and point out all the good things I have now, I just really suck on how to live to my life as of I am now.
I'm sorry I can't be any normal enough to even hold up a normal conversation. I'm sorry that I can't be positive enough because of all the negative thoughts in my head, all of these scarred feelings just can't accept positivity. I'm sorry I couldn't reach out even for others it looks like an easy thing to do, but can't either way for I was way too scared to tell anything.
I'm sorry that I can't even tell how exactly I'm feeling. I'm sorry that my emotions are all over the place. I'm sorry that my mind is a mess. I'm sorry that I always hold back. I'm sorry that I really never opened up. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I faked my laughter. I'm sorry I faked that smile
I thought feeling nothing was more okay than feeling miserable, sad or crying, but the truth is I was just holding it all in and realized how broken I was when I glanced and past by the chapel with my little brother. I uttered words that shattered my heart. "Tulungan niyo naman ako oh, kahit konti lang" ("could you help me? Even just a little bit of help") it was hard not to even shed one tear
so I can still be that strong role model that I was to my little brother when I do not know how longer I can put up with this facade. so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be the real me, I'm sorry 'cause I don't even know who the real me is. I'm sorry if I'm such a pain in the ass to understand and to be helped up with. I'm sorry I tire people out just to understand me and all of my apologies
I'm sorry I make everything hard. I'm sorry I overthink and overreact to things when I shouldn't. I'm sorry that I can't just can't catch up and approach anyone for help. I am no longer afraid to feel this way, what I'm afraid of is dragging anyone else down with me for I destroy everything I touch. So I'm sorry that I distance myself and isolate me from everyone else.
And if it means that I I'll end up destroying someone just to be happy and to be able to catch up to everyone else. I'll be more than glad to be left behind
I chose to post this here and leave a link to one of my social accounts its for the reason that those who would really want to know what current state I am in, would make an effort to know and click the link and find this, for as I hate letting anyone know what I really feel except for those who really wanted to know.
I chose to post this in a rash manner because I'm not really the type of person who would bring up any serious problems of mine in public, so while I'm still brave enough to let this feelings loose here it is. Thanks for reading this lengthy non-sense and I'm sorry