I write this in memory of a lost friendship, a lost connection, a lost romance.
Moved by the emotions on the other end of this pen, I want to crystallize the past to avoid losing what you shared with me to the forgetfulness of the mind.
As I come up for air, learnings rise with me; with these lessons we can build toward a fulfilling future.
You have inspired me to see the importance of deep-rooted personal values. These principles serving as a guiding light and true measure of character.
I think back to that brisk January morning, sitting side by side in a coffee shop. We answered, “What matters most?”
For me: Passionate & Motivated, Intentional, Genuine, Fun & Creative, Intelligent & Thoughtful.
For you: Adventurous, Trustworthy & Loyal, Positive, Thoughtful, Independent.
You demonstrated an all-encompassing passion, unfailing, and clear to all those around you; a drive that could not be held back or rationalized with,
consistently using creativity to penetrate new levels of achievement.
Your sense of adventure was eye-opening, taking you across oceans to chaotic Shanghai, romantic France,
and back to tranquil Sonoma; you gained admiration for foreign cultures and shared a bit of yourself with those that you met.
You were right, I never deserved you, as I could not parallel this drive, in tents intense and passionate.
You showed me the importance of trust and loyalty. Friendships, relationships, communities: built on a foundation of trust and loyalty. Roots, beginning small but supporting the expansion above.
Without them, growth ceases to exist. From your example, I now hold these values above all else.
“I thought I [liked] this man very completely for exactly who he was, I was in fact blind to the man he actually was” (Bluets, Maggie Nelson). I was blind.
I underestimated your aptitude, your passion, but now I can only desirously wish I had been able to recognize your potential sooner.
The tingling in my right hand is a subtle reminder of your soft face.
And once the feeling fades, when it becomes harder to remember what we had, I will play back the memory of you sitting on the edge of my bed,
your wide eyes longingly staring into mine in our last moment together.
There are moments I will miss. Relentless nights spent racing cars around a screen. Sharing a sleeping bag in the cold. Cheap burrito dates in the Mission after time apart.
Sitting together on long plane rides back from Italy. Road trip stops at McDonald’s.
And traditions that have sadly come to an end. Celebrating our anniversary each month. Planning trips to new countries across Eastern Europe. Making espresso with your fancy machine.
Spending time in Toronto during the summer. Conversations late at night about our future together.
As I write this, I am channeling the positivity you always saw in me to envision a bright future. Your memory remains strong with me and the community holding me up.
You always encouraged independence; this strengthened self-reliance will allow me to fill the space that was suddenly created.
When I am cold, I will wrap myself tightly in my comforter.
When I am tired, I will sprawl out with my arms and feet touching the ends of my queen bed.
When I am excited, I will spread my positive energy to others.
When I am frustrated, I will call a friend.
When I am happy, I will live in the moment.
I strive to remind myself: “People don’t get to change things.” We together accept what is no longer.
Physically you are gone but know that these memories outlast what connection has been lost; the lessons you have imparted will be held close.
Although I cannot speak to you, know that I am achieving what you wanted most for me: I am happy and will continue to fully embrace the freedom that happiness brings.