I was standing in front of the printer. My tickets were coming out like early Christmas gifts from Santa Claus.
"Come on now! Let's see you make my day!"
The printer finished its whirring and became silent. I grabbed the fresh paper like it was the shawl of Christ himself. I held it up to the light and observed the fresh text.
'TICKET FOR ONE - VINCENT VAN GOGH EXHIBIT TORONTO'
"My goodness," I whispered. "Tis' more beautiful than I ever dreamt." I grabbed my bag and went to the car. I did not want to be late for this once in a life time event.
Halfway to the gallery I pulled up at a red light outside a Dairy Queen. There were a few crazy farmers protesting in the streets.
Their signs read 'BRING BACK THE BEEF' and 'DEATH TO THY VEGGIE BURGER."
"Honk for the cause!" Spat one of the farmers in my direction.
"Certainly not! I'm a big fan of the the veggie burger!" The farmers began heckling me and laying out jokes about my mother. I rolled up the window and turned on the radio.
'IN OTHER NEWS, TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED VINCENT VAN GOGH EXHIBIT IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO.
I'M TOLD THAT THE REASON FOR ALL THE EXCITEMENT IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT VAN GOGH'S CORPSE HAS BEEN DUG UP AND DRESSED IN THE CLOTHES OF HIS TIME! GUESTS CAN GET A SEFLIE WITH VAN GOGH HIMSELF!"
My stomach began squirming in excitement. Around this time I also began to notice more and more posters for the event.
I finally pulled into the parking lot. It was full of busses and TV crews. There was even a travelling circus bus being parked by a chimp.
I got out of my car and stood in line. As I was patiently waiting, a very large baby from the travelling circus accidentally bumped into me and sent me careening into an open crate.
I hit my head and fell in terrible pain. As I lay there one of the employees came and sealed the crate shut, not knowing I was inside.
'Hey, wait one minute!" I screamed
Five minutes later the crate was opened and two men grabbed me and started dressing me up in clothes from the 1800's.
"I can't believe how well preserved he is!" Said one woman.
"Hey! What's the meaning of all this nonsense?!"
"And I had no idea that they'd installed a voice box into his chest! How wonderful!"
After ten humiliating minutes of makeup, I was chained to a chair and wheeled out into a glass box before hundreds of people.
They all began screaming and taking selfies with me from behind the glass as I squirmed and cursed like a sailor.