Before I met him I had been given 5 years to repair the hurt and damage I inflicted on my only sister.
She was the one who protected me despite me being the older one yet I tried but ended ruining each special event in her life, not on purpose but simply by being myself. I failed her as a sister.
There's no use appologizing because people grow bored with apologies. Now I get to live myself estranged from someone I loved but couldn't let myself fully show that to my one and only sister.
The one wish I made as a child that came true.
I feel as if it's time to get go of thinking I can make things right because she's an adult now,
once people reach adulthood some beliefs are made permant and near impossible to soften and change into a new belief.
I'm not feeling sorry myself I'm feeling sorry for someone I should have never let down from day one.
She embraced and cloaked me with protection, respect, love, and joy because she's my one and only sister who I have learned so much from, grown to adore, admire, be proud of.
But this one thing she could not protect me from because I hid it, I hid us from her I hid him from her: my partner.
Because I didn’t want saving I didn’t want protecting despite her forgiven me for all the hardships at my cost harming her growing up yet, years later the forgiveness,
the repair of the relationship still, I honestly did not want saving I just wanted to be left alone
Although he is more like a lover than anything unfortunately what I am to him as perhaps nothing more than a captive.
I knew our love was forbidden but I could not help myself he was the one I had sought despite being told so many years to avoid those places to never go there but still
my curious eyes caught the best of me and I found him .
We met on a chat room he was the webmaster and I was just somebody passing through. Although I did like what I saw I left one comment one meaning less small comment : “Do you role play “
One year later
September 5th 2018
Unread: “Hey it’s me, I’ve been behind on our deal. Please be patient with me and I will have the contract drawn up shortly.”
Me: “Oh good. Great actually. I’ve been waiting to receive a response from you.”
Unread: “As have I. How are things going ?”
Me: “Oh, you know just the usual. Trying to meet deadlines.”
Unread: “I do owe you an apology though for keeping up at this hour. Give a week or so and all will be written up.”
Me: “Sounds good to me. Feel free to take your time. I have quite a few things to take care of. But please do keep in touch.”
Unread: “Most certainly, well it’s late here. I’ve got to sign off. I have work to finish up before turning in.”
Me: “You know me I’ll be here. Well have yourself a pleasant night.”
September 7 Th 2018
Unread: “Wishing you a pleasant morning. Remember that each day is a new start.
Although you may only have 24 hours in a day always remember that at the end of the day what you have achieved no matter how big nor small, progress is progress. Be kind to yourself today,“
Me: “This is a pleasant start to my day. In all honesty I am taken aback because I rarely receive this kind of thoughtful type of email.”
Unread: “Hoping things are falling into place. Can you remind me what your name was.”
Me: “I’m terribly sorry. I had not caught your name either. I’ve been swamped with several new clients. I should have seen this coming.
Sooner than later I was bound to not have taken someone’s name down. My name is Amaranta. Forgive my poor business skills but, what was your name.”
Unread: “Not a problem at all. I have done just that with clients names. Funny... I don’t remember that name. My name is Gareth.
Anyhow, could you refresh my memory on what you needed me to design for you.”
September 28 Th 2018
Unread: “It’s just me wishing you another fantastic morning. Take some time to walk among the trees and notice the leaves as they change colour.”
Me: “Forgive my late response. I have been out on assignment for the past two weeks. I was away from technology aside from my camera.
I was two counties over taking in the scenery of the countryside.”
Unread: “You got to have a holiday. Sounds exciting. What were you doing for assignment ? “
Me: “A client needed shots for their autumn issue in their bridal magazine.”
October 5 Th 2018
Me: “Gareth ? I don’t remember meeting with you. Nor do I recall requiring any services of yours. I do my own advertising however, had we set up a contract for your company ?”
Unread: “My company ? I am independent web designer. I work from home I am essentially my own boss.”
Me: “Oh dear. You see you had contacted me first. So was under the impression that you had been a client of mine. Gareth, I have to apologize for my confusion.”
Unread: “I feel it’s me who owes you an apology. I must have entered the wrong name in my email list. Please forgive me.”
Me: “This is quite the situation We’ve gotten ourselves into. I must say I have enjoy your morning emails.”
Unread: “As had I enjoy corresponding with you, Amaranta. You have me curious what you might look like. Perhaps tall? Waist length dark hair? Italian descent with dark almond shaped eyes.
Surely you must have a unique fashion sense with a name of that same uniqueness.”
Me: “Thank you. I wouldn’t say I am fashionable in the slightest. This time of year I live in thigh high boots with thigh length dresses. Yes not fashionable. Yes you guessed my heritage.
But I am not that tall. Only 5’5, my hair loose wavy dark brown.
So Gareth, with a name like yours you must be one of those Starbucks drinking hipster types.
Perhaps you have perfect pretty boy hair? You know like that singer from that television series a few years back.”
Unread: “My my, you must be absolutely beautiful. Your fashion sounds. Well, excuse me for being too honest. But you sound delisiously attractive. I have a like of women in thigh high boots.
Oh I know the series. And no I do not dress like a hipster. I dress in mostly t-shirts and jeans. I do like to wear suit type coats, you know, sports coats.
My hair is light ash blonde, my eyes are blue.
I do see we have gone off topic here. I’ve got to go out for a few hours. I will talk with you soon. That is if you would still prefer the carry on contacting each other.”
11 pm October 10 th 2018
Me: “I’m sorry to reply late. I do and would very much do like to keep in contact with you.”
Unread: “I though I may had scared you away. Put you off in my comment on your type of dress.”
Unread: “Your not responding. Had I scared you away. I apologize for my honesty. But I just really find boots attractive.”
Unread: “Okay. I get it . I will leave you for now. I await your response.”
9:10 Am October 28 Th 2018
Me: “Are you still there Gareth ?”
Unread: “Yes, I am here. I thought you had gone away for good.”
Me: “No that’s not the case. You did not scare me away. I had to step away for a few days. My sister needed my help at her home. She had a fall on her motorcycle.
She’s been in hospital the past two weeks she was critical but pulled through.”
Unread: “I’m sorry your family had that scare. I’m glad she recovering well. You are a good person to step away from work for family.”
Me: “Well she’s all I have. I mean I have my step mother and her husband but it’s just not the same. At 32 years old it’s not the same when I have to live at home due to my own accident.
I had a degree in dance but was injured three years post grad in a hit and run. I was told I would never dance again so, I turned to photography.”
Unread.: “Yes but that is deciding to take charge of your life and rediscovering your hidden talents.”
Me.: “Yes I suppose. But I’m only at home due to financial situations. My ex husband left me in debt. My step mother is not doing well. And me.
Well, my self esteem plummeted years ago when he took me on vacation only to have me alone so he could beat me in an attempt to cause miscarriage.
But I don’t think I would like to continue this topic.”
Unread: “That’s rather horrible that you have lived through that. I am heart broken hearing this.”
Me: “Yes can we please just stop the conversation.”
Unread: “No problem. So would you like to know what I do? You might find it surprising but it’s what I do.”
Me: “Please do tell.”
Unread: “I own a website for writers of erotic fiction. The link is here.”
Unread: “ You’ve gone silent.”
Me: “Can I tell you a secret ?”
Me: “I read that type of fiction. Can I tell you another secret.”
Unread: “You’ve gone silent again.”
Gareth opened a tab in his task bar. He saw a name in the chat.
“That’s master Curtis. Who is this?”
He did not know how to respond.
“Are you ignoring me? Okay. Who is this? Do I know you ?”
“It’s me. “
“Wait. Amaranta ?”
“Oh. We have ..”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Tell me.. Are you keen for a RP session.”
Next he sent me a photo of a well dressed man in trousers, a white collared shirt, with a red tie around his neck. He sat in a dim lit room. His legs were open he tapped his knee.
My eyes widened when I took a closer look. I adored well dressed men. I said to him.
“Well if your going to send me photos like that then yes. Let’s. “
“Okay. Why don’t you sit on my lap.”
“I walked over to sit on his lap. I adjustmy skirt and uniform shirt.”
“Let me feel your warm thighs.”
I held the image in my mind. He asked me.
To be continued