I try my hardest. Honestly, I do! Though, no matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough.
My mind can't concentrate, I can't focus. I know that if I fail any class this semester that I will end up getting dropped by the University.
I lost my job that I loved, and worked at for 5 years, because of this.
I lost someone who I thought was my best friend. She called me a monster. All because she didn't understand my mental disorders.
I can't help how I am. I never fucking asked for this. I never asked for BPD! This disorder has ruined my life, and I'm not the same person I was before. I never will be again.
The old me is gone; taken over by this...thing that I don't recognize.
Yet, I keep pushing. It's all I can do, really. As much as this illness makes me hate myself and makes me feel ever single emotion to the fullest, I have to keep fighting.
However, that doesn't make me feel good or strong. It makes me feel useless, like a piece of shit who will never amount to anything. Why?
Because I lost my job. I lost my "best friend". And now I'm losing my dream of graduating college with my BA in Psychology.
The one thing I'm good at. Psychology. I've been studying it - and serial killers - for over 15 years now. However, I can't even achieve that.
I try, and I push, and I fight, but nothing happens. Except failure.
That's why I joke to people, even though it's the truth, that I strive to fail.