I want to wrap myself in blankets and never move again. The darkness is creeping in, coming to take over again. I just hope I can make it out.
“In psychology, dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences.”
I dissociate rather frequently. I’m momentarily outside of myself; I am not this person, I’m simply an observer. For a split second, I’m on the outside, looking in.
Lately, though, it’s started to get worse. Multiple times a day, sometimes lasting for hours. I am completely detached from the world, completely unaware of what’s going on around me.
It’s caused an existential crisis of sorts. My entire perception of reality is distorted: nothing feels real. Nothing is real. Do I sound crazy yet?
I was in a work meeting a few days ago, going over the usual: profit margins, improvement plans...and the entire time I just felt as if none of it mattered at all.
Today, sitting at a red light, I kept asking myself what the hell was keeping me from just running the thing. It’s nothing more than a hunk of metal, right?
I guess in a way I’m correct when you look at the grand scheme of things. Money, time, rules...they’re all manmade. It could all be gone in an instant and it wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar of the universe.
We as humans always pride ourselves on being the “most evolved” species because of all that we’ve created, I honestly think we’re the most stupid because of the boxes we’ve confined ourselves to.
We work to live and live to work, we cut divide ourselves with borders, our entire existence revolves around slivers of dead trees...and we’ve just accepted that that is life. This is the sole reason we’re here.
But what do you do when you no longer accept that? What do you do when every move you make feels completely and utterly meaningless? How do you keep going when you are constantly outside of yourself? Do you?
I guess I’ll find out.