My love is not allowed
My love is not allowed love2016 stories
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whatismarydoing
whatismarydoing20, blogger, student + crippling debt
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
A first love leading to discover a completely different life

My love is not allowed

by whatismarydoing

You focus on the fleeting love

exciting your bones yet still luring you into a warm, deep sleep

You like the immediate love, but it is the emotionless love

With the awareness that it will hurt, but briefly, after its end

But your favourite is the love you do not expect

until it is too late. When it has already puzzled you, haunted you, chewed you up and spat you out into a crumpled mess of feelings which by that point only push you towards asking for more

Deep sleep no longer exists

Your eyes are wide open, and desperately urging your brain to discover the reason for your heart beating so quickly every time the distance between us gets even slightly smaller

Brushing off an eyelash from your face should seem mediocre

But every time I touch your skin, it feels like an electric shock travelling throughout my entire body. But instead of it sending your body away, it catapults me even closer

'Love is love' but my love feels like a mistake

like a miswritten sentence by a tired student's hands, only to be corrected when checked over. But love has no marking criteria, love is blind and careless, and has no interest in making sense.

Love also lies to you

There is no care for tears. It tells you your assumptions about this person ring true. That no boyfriend or male partner will ever be more perfect for her than you

In fact, love helps you misinterpret your deep feelings

for friendship love. So you tell yourself 'any kind of contact will be enough' ...but it never is

Eventually thoughts lead to confessions

and confessions lead to disappointment

Unrequited love hurts the most

Unable to express your feelings in words to your friends, you say it to yourself with hot water and self-hatred When hurt is caused by you, it pierces nearly as much as seeing her loving him

This love echoing in the hollow shape, previously a heart

Denying itself any more love in case the same gender again attracts the attention and sorrow as before mumbling sweet nothings to your brain, unable to coherently express what was going on

Eventually love is of the person you should have always been

Dictated not by society or your own expectations But by a voice deep down, loving you so much that it is telling you what will make you happy

Opening your heart to, yes more pain,

but to a great mass of opportunity. Simply 'allowed' will no longer be reason enough to strive for it to survive

Love is the feeling of comfort

and mainly, love is the comfort provided by only you

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