*trigger warning* implications of rape and abuse, though not directly stated.
before i begin, i would like to make sure that it is understood that this is my own personal analysis of this poem, this is simply where i came from when i wrote this poem, and if your interpretation of the poem is completely different, that's completely okay! i would love to hear your interpretations in the comments below!!
i would just like to explain that this was a very difficult poem for me to write because it is a personal story and one that i hope no one has to go through in their life. i hope you understand why i choose to avoid explaining the specificities of some things, as this is probably the hardest analysis for me to write, but i do feel it is important.
i start off by explaining that i realized you were going through a lot, that you were struggling, and i chose to offer my help. i offered you a friendship, where you could let out everything that you have been forced to hide for too long. a place where you would not be judged. a place where you could free your mind from all the worst feelings you have ever felt.
i offered you a connection to the real world, rather than you just living in the outskirts of society, with no real ties to the beautiful world that your life could be. you did not take me up on my offer.
i decided to teach you "to swim instead". this was symbolic to me teaching you to live your own life. to free yourself from the horrid idea of home that you have had to live with. i taught you about how beautiful life is outside of "this island" that you've been stuck on your whole life. but i taught you to swim there yourself.
the next part of this poem is a bit complicated, so i will try to make it as simple as possible.
i say that i wish this story had a happy ending, which can be a bit confusing, but i think you will understand after the next few parts.
i go on to say that i do not know if you made it out alive, or if the jungle on that island swallowed you whole, which is supposed to imply that you never left the island. you chose to stay on that island and the evil that you lived within (symbolized by the jungle) ate you alive. and spit out your worst pieces.
i go on to say that i do not fall in love with you. nor do i ever fall in love. because the pain you caused eats away at me every time i try to give up my trust to someone that might potentially love me.
i say that "fiction is to remain fiction" because you were nothing but a figment of my imagination. i say that i did not see your entitlement behind your facade of compassion. i did not see that behind what looked like you caring, was rather you just waiting to mark me as yours. mark my body as yours. the boy that i imagined earlier was not you. you just wanted to hurt me.
i go on to say that the reality of the situation was that you did grab the hand that i offered, but you did not use it as a bridge to find the good within you, but you used it to sink me. to bring me down to a vulnerable position. to use me and abuse me until i could no longer breathe.
at first, you did not realize that i had an opinion opposite to yours. i had an opinion pertaining to whether or not i wanted to have any closer relations with you. this opinion happened to be opposite to yours and once you realized this, you decided you could not live with another person in your life contradicting what you believed to be true.
because while you thought you were in love with me, you were just infatuated with the fact that i was broken like you. our scars matched each other's. but while you used your scars as a reason to hurt others, i used mine as a reason to keep people safe. to make sure they did not have to go through similar pain to mine.
you were infatuated with the idea that i was hurt and came out strong and you could not handle me being able to resist you. especially because you already decided you were going to make me yours.
so you did what all boys are taught to do. you caught hold of your masculinity. you defended your honor. and you sunk me. until i could no longer breathe. you sunk me until i could no longer express an opinion opposite to yours.
somewhere, i live on. i might not express my opinion so strongly because i am afraid of where that might lead me. or i might find the strength to express it louder than ever. but i live on. i live on breathless, often holding my breath as if afraid to love. i live on beautiful because that is not something that you will ever cause me to question. i also live on broken, but i am healing nonetheless.
somewhere, you also live on. you still breathe. but you breathe in shallow broken breaths from broken lungs. they match not only your frail body, but also your frail personality.
you only live on because your broken lungs surround a beautiful, broken heart that i believe still has some good left in it. because after you broke me, you took a bit of what i told you, and you took it to heart. so a bit of my brain rests within you. opinions, innocence, and all. so you carry me around wherever you go. i hope i am less of a burden to you than you are to me.
so just on one last note, the boy in this poem has indeed gone through a lot in his life, and i am not, by any means, invalidating what he has gone through. but nothing that he has gone through validates what he did either. so ig, let this serve as a reminder to use your past experiences as a reason to be a good person to the people around you, rather than as an excuse for negativity.
*announcement* ya girl is back jaklsdfjkla thank you for being okay with me taking a break from commaful for a couple weeks, i appreciate all the kind words and support after that announcement xx reminder: you can always join my taglist, just comment down below and i will add you asap xx
also, if anybody wanted an update on my poetry book, i officially compiled all the poems that i want to publish this time and i placed them in the order that i want. there are around thirty poems, and currently, i am just researching publishers. i originally had around fifty poems, but i split them into two books, so i am also working on putting the second one together.
again, tysm for all the support, i appreciate each and every one of you, without y'all i would not have realized my passion or poetry, or even that i was apt for this haha, so i really appreciate all of you and i hope y'all have a great rest of your day loves xx