still 18
still 18 age stories

wakandan 18 / just a hobby
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
i will start to mean everything to me, for once

- unedited sorry for typos but i dont want to look at this mess again LOL

still 18

a lot has happened

too much as happened

for one, time has happened

it goes by so fast sometimes, even faster than I intend

and when I look in the mirror to stop my head from spinning,

i'm still 18

okay, it's fine, everything's moving by slow and sailing smoothly,

but then the next second, everything's going by so fast again

i need to do this, i need to do that

before this time, on this day

and then i look in the screen of my phone to see my reflection before clicking it on again

i don't even check the time, or the date, just my face

i'm still 18

time didn't happen yet,

time didn't make me regret anything yet

time is moving slow enough for me to take a nap, scroll social media the 100th time, and tell my mom what i'm going to do with my life before i go to lay down in my bed and not do it

school is back

oh hell, my head is /spinning/

real life just hit me like a slap in the face at the same time,

it's not easy having an immigrant as parent

it's not easy being underprivileged

it's not easy being insecure

it's not easy seeing time as only an abstract instead of sharing my resolutions like everyone else

everything is spinning around and it's triggering my anxiety

"i'm still 18," i say before shutting the blinds of my window and plopping down on my bed

time is giving me a chance to take advantage of it before i stop being able to take advantage of it

and yet, i look at my reflection, as how much time and at the same time how not much time has passed

and tell myself that i'm still 18

this number will ruin me

it will be the death of me

at so young, i treat life as if it is to be lived precautiously

in the shell of my throw blanket, nose buried in the screen of a book or a phone or a laptop

i make promises that i'll start living everyday like it's my last, giving people a dose of my energy as soon as i can before it wilts away

but all i have to show for it is the number 18

when will i start

when will i start appreciating

that while i'm still 18,

that time is not an abstract,

life is not a burden,

less privilege than others is not a loss,

death is not to be feared,

that everything is not going to be fine just because i check to see if my skin is still unwrinkled and unblemished,

that the world around me will never stop spinning, but i most certainly can

today, i'm going to look at my disfigured reflection in the tub as i soak in one of my mom's bath bombs

and i'm going to forget how old i am

"still 18" won't mean anything to me

"time" won't mean anything to me

"the irrelevancies of the outside world" won't mean anything to me...

I will — from now on —

with courage,

with no boundaries,

with no fears,

— start mean everything, to me

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