how do you casually disappear where you can never be found?
do you ignore their messages?
do you leave them on read when they say something randomly self-depreciating instead of giving them some kind and uplifting words?
do you tell them that you will participate in this activity like decorating, makeup, etc. and then end up never doing it?
do you take a break, delete your apps, and disassociate for a while?
do you say what's really on your mind?
do you stop those good morning greetings and plastic grins?
how do you say that you're tired and don't want to be around anymore?
how do you say that you can't talk because you don't want to be their vent for the day?
do you finally tell them that you're exhausted and the reason might be them?
do you finally speak the truth, no exclamation points, smiley emojis, or loving words?
do you finally give up and tell them that you haven't been doing anything with your life?
how do you get up and appreciate life?
how do you avoid procrastination, depression, sadness, loneliness
how do you disappear?
how do you make it so that you can never be found?
how do you make so you can be forgotten?
how do you make it so that you can disappear and never be found, but have the opportunity to return to everything
when everything gets fine in your perpetual circle of quiet
you finally go back out and face that world of questions
world of lies
world of plastic smiles
world of stiff comments and remarks
world of sad happiness, literally smiling through the pain
world of lost opportunities
world of bitterness
world of waste
world of cold
world of evil
world of nothing
how do you get back to that after you've proven to yourself that you're fine again?
how do you just think you're okay and go back not knowing that it was the one place that sent you here again?
the place that broke you
how do you do it?
why did you do it?
why did you go back?
why did you face that world you hate with a passion?
you come home and you scream at the screen, but you're sending the sweetest words that one can assume would come from a kind and gentle soul.
how do you do it?
you go to sleep a simple hour later than your usual time, and you can barely open your eyes in the morning, but you still get up and go.
how do you do it?
you fight with yourself everyday, sometimes trying to force the tears that you've cried all last year out
but they won't come anymore
you've cried so much you've run out of tears
they say tears are the one thing that make that stress
that toxic liquid go away
to make you feel better again
but the tears won't come
the tears won't come
you try to force them out, but damn its even harder than you would have ever imagined it to be?
how the hell do you get the tears to come?
you are writing, and when you pour those words onto the screen
you start crying, the tears are there
finally, how did you get those tears to come?
did the words you type yourself make them?
did you do it because you can read your feelings and express them so well to yourself, but you can't to others?
instead, you lie to others?
you tell them you're fine
you add an expression of humor after each and every one of your depressing statements
you tell them you love them, but you barely know what love is
you tell them, "oh today I was so happy" and they quirk a brow but never question
do they know?
do they know how big that is for you?
do you care to tell them?
do you want to tell them?
because it's such an accomplishment for you
to finally feel mentally okay?
to feel those emotions, that urge to smile
that urge to say those beautiful things to them
to make them happy
to make them believe you yourself are happy
only to moments later crash
crash and isolate again
and they don't understand
whats so wrong with you
why do you get soooo happy,
so bubbly, so full of energy
boundless amounts of love and kisses and hugs and smiles and everything
but you go back and you just
and they can't find you
and you don't want to be found