Back to square one.
Back to square one. willingtosee stories
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venomvixxen
venomvixxen Roll the dice, I’m yours tonight 🎧
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago

Back to square one.

I thought I was that fool that happened upon dumb luck. That dollar cranked into the machine, rolling out you unexpectedly.

I told myself that stepping stones were things of the past, I was going to hold on to the idea of us, but not too tight. I didn’t want to frighten you away.

So many times I had managed to keep people at a distance, and so many times I had reeled them in too close, only for me to end up more cracked in places that I failed to see needed mending.

Until it was too late of course.

I thought meeting you was a one sided kindness. You seemed so well put together and focused. Like you knew what you wanted. It was all just a matter of time until you had your ducks in a row.

There I was struggling. Self-doubt, insecurities, fluctuating weight, and emotions that were damaged by time, and decisions I had made. I was a basket case, but not you.

There I was thinking that I had to only focus on keeping myself pasted together, because you did such a good job all on your own for the both of us. You never needed help,

but did I ever ask?

There I had went again. Over analyzing, and assuming.

Anxiety had me fooled, making me selfishly forget about you. Making me think I was the only one swimming in a sea so large, and you were just the raft tossed out at me to pull me back to shore.

Selfish of me.

How had I been so blind to not read your flaws between the lines? These lines you so openly let me see, but I was so wrapped up in all of me...

How had I managed to put up walls, and not see they weren’t of your own doing, but of my presumptions and jealousy?

Depression.

I was always on your mind. I heard it from you and everyone all of the time. What cemented the truth and made me crumble, was when I felt so small in your eyes,

yet still you were humble.

Despite how much I made life about me, you still held my hand effortlessly. I felt undeserving, and shallow.

You kissed my lips and professed your love as though I’d been perfect all along. I wasn’t, but you knew that. Still, you brushed away my apologies. Like the warmth of the sun that chased away bad dreams.

I didn’t understand, until you made me cry...

All of those thoughts, all those feelings, all of those pent up truths that I was unwilling to reveal, you mirrored them from floor to ceiling.

You dated back and shared your feelings. Just an average guy who happened upon a rare catch. A strike of luck. Someone who had saved you from an endless nightmare. A life on the other side of the tracks that felt like it was going no where.

You pulled me in and stroked my hair. The cool wind washing over us as we stared out the window. Coming to conclusions on how we had both been stuck in our own minds, drowning in two divided seas.

Both blind.

You asked me out that next day, flowers in your hand, tank full of gas, and when I asked our destination, you smiled. I laughed.

Back to square one.

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