I had the same dream again. I was on the pier with him and he caressed my face, all the while staring deeply into my eyes.
It felt as if he was looking into my soul, as if he could read my past, present, and future. I felt as if he saw me at the rawest of my core and held it with compassion and understanding.
His stare was so intense, I could barely feel the strong ocean breeze pushing against me, the winds only forced me to hold him tighter as we simply embraced each other.
This interaction was better than any kiss, any other physical connection, any words or decrees. It was just me and him, together, being there for one another.
Our energies were intertwined like tree roots in fertile soil, like the phosphates and deoxyribose combining to create the dna ladders within our bodies.
We were just together, unified, and in love.
I woke with dried tears on my cheeks and dry throat, with a pit in my stomach, and the burden of hurt in my heart, because it was in fact, just a dream. It is not my reality.
He is not on the other side of my bed, not leaving me good morning texts or giving me a second thought.
I woke up with a physical reminder that I am alone, with hopeless desires and dreams, feeling as if I deserve none of it, that I am unworthy of being loved and cared for.
Logic & therapy remind me to believe that I am in the process of learning how to love myself and I'm just figuring out how to process my existence.
This was a typical journal entry for Orun, she always had this dream before knowing she would be seeing K'yle. She never had the cojones to speak up to him and tell him how she felt.
All she let herself experience was sadness and longing desperation. Orun is a strong, independent woman, career-wise, but when it came to people she liked, she acted like a damn fool.
I'm not one to judge, God knows my heart, but it is simply gut-wrenching to see her like this. I can't help her, which SUCKS, because I am not allowed to.
It is against the rules to interfere in human experiences; the last time we did....let's just say there was an entire series and cult following that developed, which is still causing problems.
Humans are naturally fickle and malleable, so our influence is frowned upon [in human terms]. But I am not the focus...today, Orun is.
She is so afraid of losing love and compassion and only receiving rejection that she talks herself out of trying with K'yle. So sad.
I'm so tired today, not because of the dream, just worn from working. I work for a dope tech company that develops diversified A.I. for machines, robots, and devices.
I love what I do because it is directly changing the future of technology for people of color; I just want to ensure that my people are not forgotten in the future.
I love my people and believe in their right to not be erased from existence. We deserve to be represented...I shouldn't get carried away. I can talk about this all day long.
But, in other news, I am excited for later on; I'm visiting a few friends I haven't seen in a while and K'yle [a college crush] is going to be there. He has such an impact on me, it scares me.
Mostly because I am a normally verbal person but when I am with him...let's just say that a million cats have my tongue. I am overwhelmed with emotions and I want to know more about him.
I want to have a deeper understanding of who he is. His aspirations, likes, dislikes, beliefs, values. I want to know the most human parts of him.
But, I just keep things at a basic level around him because I don't like to be overwhelmed with emotions.
My best friend Darna says that I need to stop talking myself out of trying to not only connect to other people better,
and allow myself to believe I am good enough to have someone want to get to know me in return.
If I'm being honest with myself, it's not just a confidence issue, I don't love myself enough and I need to work on seeing myself in a better light.
Believe me, I have tried the mantras and morning mirror talks,
but there is something deeper going on; something that has been buried for a long time and stuck in my soul preventing me from seeing myself as beautiful,
as a person with a good personality and good traits [all of these things said by other people].
But, how do I even start that process? How do I build myself up? These are questions for my therapist that I can't currently afford, lol.
Look at her walking, so regal and confident; it makes me so proud. I appreciate her desire to work hard for a humbling and deep mission, but in truth, I think she deserves more.
She doesn't receive as much as she deserves or needs to thrive.
I have noticed so many humans move and leave places because they didn't have the patience to build up a business and sacrifice so many wants. But she sees the best in this company.
However, she is so much more than this company and has so many other dreams; I wish she pushed herself to run towards these aspirations.
She is her own glue sticking her in one place, when in truth she belongs in the world.
She is a writer, a performer, a model, an artist, a poet, a hiker, an adventure seeker, a traveler, a creative, an aspiring filmmaker, and those are just the toppings on the cake.
The girl has skills and aspirations up the wazoo!! Although, she has only scratched the surface of her capabilities; I see her future and it is bright [if she wants it to be].
I have always undervalued myself and have not given myself credit for the multitude of things I have completed and accomplished.
I desire and deserve more out of life because I put in the work, I do! I am always trying to innovate my moves and decisions, but that is another conversation for another day.
K'yle has been on my mind for awhile, I was previously thinking about how we first crossed paths.
Our mutual friend Diarelys, one of my favorite people, was our connector. I remember the first time I locked eyes with him....I felt nothing, lol.
There wasn't a cosmic feeling or anything, it was when I felt his energy that I started to notice him differently.
The power of his laughter, his smile, his kindness, and his authenticity; he was just a silly goofball who also struggled in life [a sentiment I am familiar with].
But, he was dating someone, so those thoughts were stuffed in a box, chained to a 12 ton rock and dropped in the middle of the Atlantic.
They ended up splitting after roughly being together for close to half a decade; which is rough for anyone,
so I didn't even think about talking to him when he was most vulnerable because that would be monstrous and people should be able to heal in peace.
He jumped into a few other relationships and now we are here, he is single and living life. It is scary to like someone like this especially with my fear of rejection.
I see all of my friends with their relationships and I admire them. They have people who adore them, not just desire them.
They have people who see their sometimes obnoxious behavior as simple parts of them rather than faults.
I want that, I want someone who wants to build themselves separately but with me; I want a partner, a person who loves me.
But, I have to be wary of myself and make sure that I am not depending on them to make me happy, to make me feel full and complete, to give me things I can't give myself at the moment.
That is the struggle I am dealing with.
I don't want to depend on anyone to make me better, I want to make myself better but I want someone to cuddle with and it doesn't hurt for them to have a nice face to look at...
and a little something extra to play with...lol.
On a more serious note, I truly do ponder; Will I ever find someone who accepts me? Will I ever be able to appreciate and accept myself? Will I ever live to my fullest potential?
I have roughly 80 years to find out...
I hope she will be able to see herself how the rest of the world sees her. Orunmilla.