4 years on and still the same pain. One that never shifts. A pain that sits heavy on top. It’s lighter on good days and unbelievably heavy on bad days. But it’s always there... It never goes.
I want to know when it gets easier? When I can start to feel like me again... When it doesn’t hurt to think of you... When it doesn’t hurt to look at your pictures or to watch your videos...
When will I stop crying? When will I have the answers I so crave? When will it get easier? When will I stop blaming myself? It feels like never.
It feels like an eternity that you’ve been gone and yet somehow also like it’s been no time at all. It feels like water is crashing over my head and it doesn’t stop. It calms and the waves settle... But it never stops.
All I want is to hold you near and never let go. To ask you “why did you give your pain to the people that you loved so much?” To ask you “why couldn’t you talk to us ?” “Why did you have to take that leap?” “Why couldn’t you have stayed?” “Why you didn’t love us enough to stay?”
We all love you more than I know how to say. How could you leave before seeing me grow? How didn’t you get a chance to meet your grandchildren? How are you not here at the times I need you most?
When does it get easier? Why can’t I stop caring? Why can’t I stop the tears from streaming? When can I move forward without feeling like I’m attached to an anchor? When can you come home?
I try to be mad. I try to hate you. Sometimes I do... But all I ever want is you.
I want you to be here. I want you to hug me and call me babe and tell me everything is going to be okay because your my dad and you always have my back.
I would have listened to you. I would have made everything better. I would have swapped my heart with yours to give you the joy that you should have been feeling.
Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to leave? Please come back... All I want is you.
I will trade places with you. I want you to see the life that you should be living. I want you to be proud of me.
I want us all to be back at home. Back where we all grew together. Back when I had memories. Back when we were happy. Back before you committed suicide.