We sat in silence for a while, everyone was kinda off in their own world.
Niquest was in the corner on his phone, Mia was laying down in the opposite corner with her feet up against the wall,
Camryn was curled up in a fetal position next to me and I was just looking around at everyone here.
The only sound I could hear was the ringing of my own ears and the occasional notification sound from Niquest's phone. No one said a word to each other.
We remained in our current state of silence for about an hour or so.
"Why are you so angry?" Camryn broke the silence. She was looking at me. I looked around the room, Niquest had put his phone down, Mia's head turned and they were all looking at me now.
" Since we're not getting out of here any time soon and when we do we're most likely going to be killed, you might as well just let it all out now." She said.
I hesitated for a second looking around at all the faces in the room. "I don't know... Most of my rage comes from sadness. I take the same energy I would use to be sad and I shift it into anger.
It's more useful and being angry is a better feeling than being sad." I told her.
"But you don't seem sad." She replied.
"I'm very sad. Sometimes I don't even know why. Maybe because I have no one I can turn to and say 'hey remember when this happened?' Or 'remember when we did this?'" I pause.
"I mean don't get me wrong, Camryn, you have been with me through a lot of it and I thank you for being that one person that stays through all the bullshit,
but you weren't always around you know... Through that very first gang fight at springfield. I remember it so vividly.
I even remember the way the sky turned a beautiful sorbet orange as the sun began to set. I remember all the faces. None of those people are around anymore...
" The nostalgia began to set in as I remembered this moment. I looked around and everyone seemed to be engaged in my story. The look on Camryn's face was full of sorrow.
"There's a lot of stuff you haven't been there for and all the people that I've experience it with are dead for the most part."
"Well..." She spoke bashfully. "You have Delly still." She said.
"Yeah, Delly's the only other survivor. But even so, we don't talk about our past too much. It's too painful to remember." I explained. A long silence followed.
I know they didn't know what to say and even if they had questions they were scared to ask.
"I know it's all in the past and I need to just let it go, but all the memories I have are of faded dreams and people.
It's depressing remembering all the stuff we've done, and realize you're the only one that survived through it all."
"How have you carried on like this?" She asked. "All the people you've lost and yet you've never folded. You've always stood strong."
"I can cry all the tears in the world, it wouldn't bring my best friends back." I told her. She had a look of awe on her face.
"Well now you know what's always got me down all the time, why do you walk around here with a faded smile?" I asked.
"I can see the hurt behind that smile. You have a lonely look in your eyes."
"Nevermind it." She said.
"No, I want to know. As you said earlier, there's a chance that we might not walk away from this alive, so you might as well release whatever you've been bottling up." I told her.
"Its stupid. Compared to what you told me, I shouldn't be complaining."
"It's not stupid." I told her. "Just because you haven't experienced a great deal of loss like me doesn't mean, your problems don't matter, or that they're stupid.
I should be the one not complaining. Once I agreed to this gang life, I knew that my life would never be the same.
I knew I would lose everything I've ever loved, but yet, I still asked for this.. But enough about me and more about you."
"It's just.. I don't know." She paused. "Think of it like this.
Your parents have so much money they don't know what to do with, and they gave you every material thing you've ever wanted, but the one thing that you really want they wouldn't give you.
I just wanted to be a normal kid. Go to a public school. I've been sheltered my whole life. The farthest I've seen of the city is as far as my eyes could see past our 3rd story balcony.
I wasn't even allowed to watch sex scenes in movies, I'd always have to cover my eyes or leave the room. I've never even had a real friend..
You and Niquest were the first two people I've ever met that went to a public school. That's why when you two "kidnapped" me I couldn't have been anymore happy.
It actually felt like you guys rescued me. Then I got to see how you guys live. You guys get to go wherever you want, whether it's by walking, driving or anything.
You guys have the greatest lives, in my eyes.
Now that I get to go everywhere with you guys, I guess that's not really a problem anymore, but it still bothers me how much they censored me from the world." She explained.
"I missed out on so much, and every time you bring up your past and what you've been through, I get a little jealous.. I wish I was there with you. I wish we had met earlier.
I just wish we were more.." She paused. I was in shock. "The memories I have with you are the only ones I have."
"Bravo! Round of applause, you guys are so adorable with your emotional stories," Mia clapped still laying in her same position with her feet up on the wall.
"Why don't you shut your mouth, before I shut it for you," Camryn snapped.
Quickly Mia jumped to her feet, "I'd like to see you try."
Camryn got up and got in her duel stance. Immediately, I stepped in between the two.
"Relax you two, let's not forget who the real enemy is." I said.
"What's your problem?" Camryn stepped into Mia's face.
"Do you think you're special because you can do a bunch of backflips and walk on your hands? Well guess what, I can do it too, you're nothing special. You're boring."
"You're none too interesting yourself, 'friend'" Mia said.
"Yeah, well at least I aint no circus freak."
Mia grunted as the expression on her face changed to angry. She tried to grab Camryn, but I instead grabbed her.
"Hey, relax," I told her as I gently caressed her face. "What's your problem? You've been hunting us for years. Where does all your anger and rage come from?" I asked.
"I've just been doing my job."
"Yeah, right. I know behind that bubbly personality and all those back flips there's a softer side to you Mia."
"She just takes it out on us that she's a circus freak," Camryn added.
"Yeah, whatever, I'm a circus freak, but at least I'm not the same as everyone else. I don't conform like everyone else.
Do you know what it was like growing up with three sisters that look exactly like you. It was like I didn't have my own identity.. At least I'm different now.. Circus freak is a compliment!"
"Well what's your excuse for being a slut?" Camryn asked.
"You flirt with just about every guy and then try to kill them afterwards. That's some sick shit."
"What's your excuse for following Trey around like his little puppy dog?"
"Can you guys just get along for a few minutes?" I asked. "Seriously."
Mia sighed and walked back into her corner. "Now you know why I'm so perky and fun," she said. "We all know each others problems besides yours," She looked over at Niquest.
"I don't have a problem," he said.
"Right. You've turned your back on all your friends, you can't keep a girlfriend, you get no respect anywhere you go," Mia said. "And on top of that all you're becoming a junkie.
So why do you do the things you do."
"I don't have any friends. I don't need any either. Only thing that's ever had my back was this smith and wesson." He told.
"Yeah, until you get hit by one yourself," Mia laughed. "Is it because your dad left?" She asked. "Growing up without a father must've really sucked huh?"
"Why is everything a joke to you?" You could hear the hurt and defensiveness in his voice.
"I just want to know. Is that why you've been in so many gangs? You were looking for a fatherly figure to take control of you since you didn't know yours?"
"I knew my dad. He just disowned me.. He left me and my mom all by ourselves so my mom had to play both roles.
Fuck him and fuck having a father. My mom always made sure we had everything we needed and I did just fine with no one else in my life," he explained.
"Well, not necessarily, running with gangs, doing drugs and almost being killed all the time isn't exactly 'just fine.'" Camryn jumped in.
"I think if your dad was around more, maybe you'd still be in school. Maybe you wouldn't be here with us right now."
"Camryn, shut the fuck up,” he said.
"Don’t take it out on her because I was right," Mia said. On Niquest's face was a look of sorrow.
At that point I had realized that the three other people I was in this room with were just that. People. We all have our own problems.
Mia looked like she felt a bit bad for hurting the kids feelings. "Look, I'm sorry you had to live that, but you can't let it turn you into this horrible person you're becoming.
It's never too late to start over."
Niquest gave her a blank stare and we all continued to sit there in silence.
Lost in my thoughts, I finally broke the silence. "No."
Everyone in the room looked at me.
"What?" Mia asked.
"This isn't it. This isn't how our story ends. We have to make it out of here alive."
"How do you expect we do that?"
"By giving it our all. We're 4 great fighters. Sure there's a lot of them out there, and maybe we're outnumbered, but we're definitely not outmatched. We can do this.
Give it everything we've got and if all else fails, we all go down the same way. You guys in?"
There was a hesitation.
"I'm in," Camryn spoke.
"Why not," Niquest said.
"Sure, at least one of us will live to tell the story." Mia laughed.