“You’re so strong,” she said. “Not just strong physically, but you’re strong in spirit.” She continued.
“With all the hate and critics and everything that has happened to you, you still walk with your head high. You still manage to smile and laugh and be happy.
You prove everyone wrong who says you can’t and you find a way. And when nobody’s there to believe in you, you believe in yourself. You remind me so much of your grampa.
” What she said made me smile, but as soon as she said that, I couldn’t help myself, the tears began falling down my face. They weren’t tears of sadness though. I was actually happy.
Happy that my efforts had finally been recognized by at least one person and the fact that I could ever be compared to my grandad.
“Thank you, so much,” I told her. “I’m not as strong as I look though. I'm just really good at pretending. I smile in front of you because I don’t want you to hurt from seeing me like this.
The truth is I cry a lot now. More than a man should ever have to.
Every night I lay awake in my room, in complete darkness and I just lay there thinking about all that has happened and how a lot of it is my fault and how it could’ve been avoided…” I told her.
“Sometimes... Just sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Trey…” Her eyes filled with sadness. “How could you say that!?! You've helped me through so much. If you weren't here anymore I probably wouldn’t be here either.”
“I know… I just wish I could go home, but nothing feels like home anymore you know?.. I lost myself. This isn’t me. I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of feeling like this.
I just wish things were different. I just wish some of my dead friends were still here.” I paused. “If Hannah hadn’t committed suicide…” My voice trembled. I could see the tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to feel like you have to keep things in all the time. You can tell me whatever's on your mind.”
I took a deep breath trying to pull myself together. “I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.
Back then, I had someone to live for… Well multiple people… And when those people were taken away from me, my purpose had gone away. Now I’m just living...
Trying to find it again… Just waiting for something to present itself to me or vice versa I guess.” I explained. “It’s weird, sometimes it feels like she’s still here.
I see her every night in my dreams.”
“I’ve had those dreams too... I see her a lot and she’s always so happy. I cry every time,” she broke out crying. “I miss her so much.” I pulled her closer to me and hugged her tightly.
“I’m sorry, I’m not as strong as you are.”
“You are, you’ve been through a lot.” I told her. I continued comforting her and rubbing her shoulder. “Everything will be alright.
The reason I’m still here is because I know it’s not over yet.” I told her. “Our story isn’t over. Something will happen… I can feel it. And when I do find that purpose again.
I’m going to fucking own it.”
The tears continued to fall, but a huge smile ran across her face. “See, there it is.”
“What?” I asked.
“That strength I was talking about. You have an unbreakable spirit and I admire you so much for that.
Please don’t ever change… And also like I said before, don’t ever try to leave here without me. You have me on speed dial if you ever need me. I don’t care if it’s at 3 in the morning.
I will be right here.”
“Thank you so much.”
Once again I pulled her closer to me and hugged her running my hands through her hair. It sucks that one day we’ll all have the same fate as Hannah.