After grabbing a few snacks from the grocery store, I stopped by the library to pick out a few CDs.
Hmm. I'm really tired today so there's only time to watch one movie.
Maybe today I'll watch Harry Potter, or perhaps a few episodes of Friends.
What about The Hunger Games series? It'll be a shame if people all over the world are talking about Rue and I still don't know which Jennifer is the main character.
Okay. I have to choose just one so- Oh my god! They have Sofia the first! I have to get that, no excuses, who isn't addicted to those Lalala songs?
Ooh. There's Charming too, and Snow White and The Huntsman, and Mulan, The Mountain Between Us, Theory of Everything...
Oh shit. I hope no one sees how much CDs I took, it's so embarrassing.
Okay. So I don't expect myself to watch 19 movies in one night but I mean, I'm pretty sure I have time for 2. I'll just choose and sort them out, how hard can it be?
Huntsmen, definitely. Sofia the first, definitely. Mulan, I'd be stupid not to choose it. Ooh, I forgot I took these... and this... and Hunger Games...
Oh, who am i kidding? I'll take and watch them all and not sleep for one day. I mean, it's just one day, I wouldn't die right?
Google Search History: Would you die if you don't sleep for 24 Hours?
After begging the librarian to give me a bag to put my CDs in, I finally reached home and breathe out.
I don't know why but going out is mentally challenging for me. I'd have to smile to people or try to make new friends in New York and try to look like I can be half as happy as I was.
Gathering all the groceries I've bought, I turn on the TV and begin making mashed potatoes. Just because I'm living alone in a big city doesn't mean i have to get drunk and eat frozen pizzas every day. I mean, I'm not completely useless.
I only do that on weekends. Obviously.
Okay. What to watch today? Snow White and the Huntsman? Too scary, nope. The Martian? Too scary, nope. Sofia the First? Too happy for tonight, nope. Rapunzel? Mom too creepy, nope.
Oh. Friends. No creepy characters in it, a good watch-at-night series. Okay, good.
I'm just letting it go on for 20 minutes while I make mashed potatoes. The recipe said it takes 20 minutes, so I'm pretty sure for an amateur like me, It'll take 30 minutes?
After 90 minutes, I'm in my PJs, eating my crappy frozen pizzas. I don't want to talk about the stupid mashed potatoes that are in the trash now. These lying recipe books. I knew I should have bought sushi, or hit the bookshop guy when he encouraged me to buy the recipe book.
It's the episode where they're all sitting lazily on Monica's couch together, just chilling. Talking about their stuff and stuff. I know it's not even a famous scene, it's not seriously funny either, no one did anything stupid or got somebody pregnant or have their weird sister over.
But I still can't help but look closer at the TV, staring at it. I wish... I wish... I'm with them. Imagine a group of friends, sitting with you, not doing anything but just talk about stuff, about anything.
I want to be like them so badly, it's like no matter what happens, you still have that group of people with you. I don't know what I can do to be like them, I feel... hopeless. It was Will who makes me feel that sense of belonging before, but now that he's gone, I'm an outsider again. It's like there's this thing that I have to go through to be a part of something, to have friends that are just there, for me.
With Will, there was that feeling of exhilaration and happiness and giddiness that just seems to make me smile, to make me feel hopeful of that day. I didn't want sick, dead life that I'm living, this dread that I have to face every day knowing that I can never be this person that finally fit into the picture and just feel happy again. It's like I'm trying hard to squeeze myself into a bunch of rubbers, and they are just pushing me away no matter how hard I tried.
I know that no one is actually pushing me away. I know I'm the one pulling myself from being a part of them. I know I'm the one seeing a glass blocking my way from making new memories.
I tried really hard to forget it, and for years and years after Will, I just can't do it. I thought I had him and that would be the end of my loneliness. But I guess not, not anymore.