Why I Can't Effing Stand Valentine's Day
Why I Can't Effing Stand Valentine's Day sarcasm stories
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tbanarchy
tbanarchyhttp://amazon.com/author/angelray
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by tbanarchy If I had to pick my LEAST favorite "holiday" it would without a doubt be Valentine's Day.

Why I Can't Effing Stand Valentine's Day

by tbanarchy

If I had to pick my LEAST favorite "holiday" it would without a doubt be Valentine's Day.

At least on Thanksgiving you get to eat a big meal and on X-Mas you get to eat a big meal AND get free shit!

Anyway, I remember back in high school the Art Club would sell roses for a buck apiece.

Then on Valentine's Day a couple of people from the AC would come into the period before lunch and deliver said roses and shit.

Of course, yours truly NEVER got a single effing rose and I would be sitting there feeling like a total loser while watching other guys-usually the jocks (of course!)-get dozens of roses and shit from different girls.

And-of course!-it was usually the BIGGEST jag-offs in school who would wind up getting the MOST roses and balloons and other "romantic" shit from girls who were trying to get into their pants, so to speak.

Granted, I wasn't surprised or shocked I never got a rose, but it would have been nice to get at least ONE effing rose on VD when I was in high school.

As it was, the ONLY Valentine's Day gift I got while I was in high school was from my mother. (Thanks, Mom!)

Now, at this point, some might be asking if I ever bothered to buy a rose for a girl while I was in high school? To which I'd say: Are you effing kidding me?

I did actually consider maybe buying a rose for a girl or two back then, but then I recalled how much girls HATED my "unpopular" ass at the time so I thought it best NOT to.

And, just in case you were wondering (which I'm sure you were!), things haven't improved much on the "romantic" front in my adulthood (and, as Forrest Gump would say, that's all I'm gonna say about THAT!).

Of course, I got plenty of VD cards from girls back when I was in grade school during those annoying little VD "parties" the classes would throw every year. And THAT was because they were FORCED to give me a damn card!

And it probably goes without saying you CAN'T "force" a woman-or anyone else-to give you a VD card-or anything else-since that would be considered "amoral" AND illegal!

Not that I really want anyone to give me a card-unless the card is stuffed with wads of CASH!-or flowers of any of that "romantic" shit.

I mean, seriously, since when DID giving dead plants to gals be considered "romantic"? Why don't we just give them a dead heart while we're at it!

Of course, guys generally give cards and candies and dead plants to chicks because they want the BJ.

And if they don't get the BJ they'll settle for the handie.

And if they don't get the handie they at least want you gals to touch the tip.

Of course, we all know what you gals want on Valentine's Day or any OTHER day, don't we, ladies!

Yeah, it's no big mystery as to why MY ass is still single, huh?

So this Valentine's Day I'll be touching my OWN tip, if you know what I mean! (And, as always, I believe you DO!)

So on THIS Valentine's Day my "girlfriend" will be Sasha Grey. (And anyone who says they DON'T know who Sasha Grey is is a damn liar!)

Of course, I could always PAY to have someone else touch my tip (but, then again, that would also be considered "illegal" so there you go!).

BTW, whose idea was it to have the "mascot" of Valentine's Day be a little boy carrying a bow & arrow shooting people while wearing a diaper?

Not only that, but has anyone else noticed the acronym of Valentine's Day is VD? Which is appropriate since many-like me!-find VD to be a pain in the ass!

In any case, have a happy VD! (And I mean that VERY sincerely, you "romantic" bastards!)

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