Star Nuts: The Farce Awakens The Next-To-Last Jedi
Star Nuts: The Farce Awakens The Next-To-Last Jedi film stories

tbanarchy Sometimes serious, mostly snarky author.
Autoplay OFF   •   a year ago
Yes, in case you haven't figured it out by now, this IS a parody of Star Wars: The Last Jedi! (You're welcome!)

Star Nuts: The Farce Awakens The Next-To-Last Jedi

(Not the last Jedi, mind you, but the next-to-last Jedi since he NEVER gets any love!)

by tbanarchy

"So let me get this straight," Luke says to Rey. "You want me to come back with you to help you and my sister fight the Empire, uh, I mean, the First Order with my laser sword, uh, I mean, lightsaber?"

Rey nodded as Chewbacca stood behind her. "Yes, that's right."

Luke thought for a moment and then said with a huge smile on his face and a shrug, "Yeah, sure, okay. Sounds like fun!"

Rey was genuinely shocked by Luke's reaction. "So you'll do it then? You'll come back with me to help us fight the Empire, uh, I mean, First Order?"

Luke shrugged once more. "Sure, why not? There's nothing to do on this island anyway but fish and milk giant space titties all day."

Again, Rey looked shocked. "Well, frankly, I didn't think it was going to be this easy. Just one question: Why have you stranded yourself on this island with the fish nuns and the titty monsters for all these years?"

Luke looked embarrassed as he let out a nervous chuckle . "Well, to be completely honest with you, Rey, I lost my keys to my X-Wing."

Rey seemed perplexed by what Luke had just told her. "You did what?"

"Well," Luke began as he was scratching the back of his head, "I came here on vacation. We had just defeated the Empire and, quite frankly, I could've used some R & R.

And, well, I got drunk on that green milk and, well, I ended up losing my keys."

"You're joking?"

He shrugged. "Hey, what can I say? That green space titty milk has got a real kick to it!"

He noticed the befuddled look on Rey's face and said, "What, did you think I stranded myself here because I tried to kill my own nephew in his sleep or something?

Who do you think I am, my father?"

Luke, Rey and even Chewbacca began laughing together. Even R2-D2 started chirping along with their laughter.

"No, you're right," Rey said in between laughs. "That sounds so stupid!"

"Yeah," agreed Luke as he kept laughing. "That would make me sound all . . ." He twirled his finger around the side of his head while he made a crazy face.

"Next thing you're gonna tell me is that you can kick my ass without any training!"

"Yeah, I know," agreed Rey, still chortling. "What am I, a Mary Sue?"

Their laughter continued, and then, when their laughter began quieting down, Rey said, "Well, I guess we'd better get going. Leia is probably wondering what's taking us so long."

"Yep," Luke said, nodding in agreement, "sis is like that."

He started following Rey, Chewie & R2 back to the Millennium Falcon when he asked, "Say, do you think we have enough time for me to have one for the road?"

Rey twirled around and shouted, "No! Now, come on, let's go!"

"Oh, all right. Geez, I can see why sis sent you. You're a hard-ass just like she is!" When Rey shot him a harsh look, Luke raised his hands and said, "Okay, okay, I'm shutting up now!"

They all kept on walking when Luke said, "Say, do you wanna hear about the time me and Leia Frenched each other on Hoth?"

"What?" Rey shouted again.

"Yeah, it's true. Don't believe me, ask Chewie. He and Han saw the whole thing!"

"That's disgusting!" Chewie howled as if he were agreeing with Rey.

"Well, in my defense, I didn't yet know she was my sister. I found out later on Endor she knew she was my sister and she still kissed me anyway.

Personally, I think she was trying to make Han jealous." Luke paused before asking, "Hey, how is Han anyway?"

"Uh . . ." Rey stammered. "About that. You see, your nephew-and my future boyfriend-stabbed him through the chest with his laser sword, uh, I mean, lightsaber while he was crying."

"Well," Luke began, "my dad cut off my hand with his laser sword, uh, I mean, lightsaber and then he turned me over to this creepy evil dude with bad skin."

"Well, I'm in love with your nephew even though he did kidnap me, torture me and then tried to kill me before I kicked his ass without having any training. But I know I can change him!"

"Man, what the hell is this?" Luke quipped. "50 Shades Of Rey?" Chewie howled with laughter.

"What was that?" Rey asked in her demanding tone.

"Oh, nothing," Luke responded. "Oh, look, the Millennium Falcon!"

The End

May the space titties be with you!

Stories We Think You'll Love 💕

Get The App

App Store