"Hey, did I ever tell you the story of how I Frenched my sister back on Hoth?"
"Hey, is that one of dem laser swords I keep hearin' 'bout?"
"Hey, babe, you wanna watch me milk a space titty? At least I think it's a titty!"
"Just call me Darth Emo!"
"Hey, mister, I think you dropped this!"
"You damn kid! Get the hell off my island!"
"I've been seeing visions of the future of how Disney is going to royally fuck over my beloved character by having me milk space titties!"
"I'm NOT a Mary Sue, dammit!"
"Hey, baby, you ready to feel The Force Inside of you?"
"The Force is strong with these man nips!"
"Hey, I'm gonna go play with my laser sword after I milk this space titty!"
"This is me back before the time when I tried to kill kids in their sleep & milk space titties! Man, WTF happened to me?"
"That is, until our son stuck a lightsaber through your pirate deadbeat ass & I found this hot chick with purple hair!"
"So you're telling me one day I'm gonna fly, huh? What type of space weed have YOU been smoking?"
"Snoke is so damn ugly he makes the Emperor look like Brad Pitt!"
"I just farted and I blamed it on this tall dude in the dog costume!"
"And then I'm going to strand myself on an island for 20 years where I spend my time milking space titties!"
"Oh, you found my space dildo! I thought I lost it! I'm SO embarrassed!"
"Save this stupid film I cannot!"
"I gotta go! Those space titties aren't going to milk themselves!"
"Farewell, Luke Skywalker! You child-killing, space-titty-milking, get-your-ass-kicked-by-a-girl-you-barely-trained Jedi SOB, you!"
"Trainin'? I don't need no stinkin' trainin'!"
"Hey, at least I was a kid when I called a lightsaber a laser sword!"
"And at least I, unlike my whiny son, had already turned to the Dark Side BEFORE I started killing kids! Just saying!"
"You know in the future we're going to have a kid we're just going to up and abandon for years when he turns bad, right?"
"Has anyone ever told you you look like Charles Manson?"
"Is it time for some mansplaining now?"
"I can see into the future! And this film is going to piss off A LOT of people!"
"Where are the damn Ewoks when you need them!"
"Yeah, we don't know what we're doing in this film either!"
"Hey, baby, I bet you look hot in a gold metal bikini!"
"I don't have the balls to tell her she looks like a character from The Hunger Games!"
"Man, no wonder those new Star Wars toys AREN'T selling!"
"Hey, does anyone remember ME? I used to be a big fucking deal in these movies, you know!"
"You will LOVE this movie! This is the BEST Star Wars movie you've EVER seen! This film WON'T fuck up the franchise!"
"See what happens when you don't put ME in a Star Wars flick?"
"Say, remember when how all those fanboys kept saying how my prequels SUCKED and how I ruined Star Wars?"
"The Force is NOT strong with THIS one!"
"Man, they killed my politically incorrect ass off JUST in time!"
"Hey, you think they screwed over Luke & Han? Look what they did to ME!"
"Hey, Luke, how do you feel about being killed off in the MOST ridiculous way in Star Wars history?"
"Hey, BB-8, how did you feel about The Last Jedi?"
"Help us, Boba Fett! You're our ONLY hope!"
"Hey, what did you expect me to do to Star Wars? Just look at what I did to Star Trek!"
"You wanna hear something funny? I don't even LIKE Star Wars!"
"Yeah, I think it's gonna take MORE than a gold metal bikini to save THIS franchise!"
"Hey, remember when THIS was the shittiest film reboot you'd EVER seen?"
"Good job, Disney! You've fucked up Star Wars more so than Jar-Jar Binks EVER could!"
"In fact, putting Jar-Jar in this movie might have made it better! Just saying!"
"Hey, does anyone remember back when we used to be a major part of these movies?"
And, just remember, like the (dead) squid-head dude always says . . .
And, as always, may the Force be with . . . aw, what's the fucking point!