October
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tatcatSilently felt
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
Rest in peace, you will not be forgotten.

October

For an angel

I was born in October, the last October of the 20th Century

I do not recall the way the sun shone, I was too small. Too confused. I do not recall you holding me close.

You died that same October, and took with you the sun.

There was no light left in his eyes, he couldn't bear to look at me. For when he saw me, he saw you, his lover now gone.

I was not offended by your leaving.

But still affected by all of their loss.

They would cry and try to love me harder,

As if to make up for the fact that you couldn't be my mother

They did their best, and they did well.

But it was never quite enough. I never got to see your smile. To feel your love shine down on me.

All I wanted, was to be good enough.

Good enough so that you might have stayed.

But alas, the ethereal winds swept you away.

You serve a higher purpose, I am sure, and it beckoned you away from here. Away from me.

I have learnt to accept that and be strong,

But sometimes, in October, when I see the blossoming pink roses, I think of you, and what could have been

I have always felt responsible

Even though I could never have changed your mind

I am eternally grateful for you

And indebted to your sacrifice

Because without you there would be no me

And yet without you is the only way I have ever been

You have shaped who I am without ever having to hold my hand

You taught me more from where you are than many people who walk the earth ever have.

I am like you, in many ways.

Soft and strong and caring and intensely adventurous.

I admire your courage, and your life.

As well as mourn for the connection we never shared.

I'm certain, if we ever met, we'd be good friends.

Things are not meant to go that way, it seems. We are but trains who passed each other briefly,

Our tracks diverging too soon and yet

At exactly the right time. You gave to me the gift of the life you didn't want

And continued along your astral journey

I am sure I'll run into you some day

When both our souls are drifting in space

Perhaps we will recognise one another, and smile without needing to smile

Until then, I think of you often.

Mother I never met. I have much love to give to you. And so much to say.

We have so many long nights to make up for.

And yet, I know that you are always by my side.

You guide me with your angel wings,

Enfold me within feathers of grace and peace

You know me more than anyone

And you loved me more than I could fathom.

Every October I think of you

As I watch the birds sing and the flowers grow, see the seasons come and go

I am reminded of the endless cycle

This neverending churning wave of existence.

Life and death are both so relative it seems.

For sometimes it takes dying to feel truly alive.

And one does not know joy without considering sorrow

And one cannot feel loss without having felt complete.

I wish you well, this October.

Wherever you are. I'm sure you're happy, and so am I; I will cherish your wize timeless gaze looking down upon me–forever.

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tabnash24Silver CommaYou'll know me as you read ;)
a year agoReply
@tatcat that's really cool and you're welcome. Well let me look for you up there.

tatcatSilently felt
a year agoReply
@tabnash24 Thank you for your kind words 💕✨ I'm on fb as Tatyana Malan. I'll be enjoying my birthday a lot this year, for various reasons :)

tabnash24Silver CommaYou'll know me as you read ;)
a year agoReply
This is so beautifully written. I'm really sorry for you couldn't enjoy her presence but I'm sure her adventures must have made look upon on her today like how you mentioned above but anyway this was really touching. Hope you're doing well and wish you a Happy Birthday this October. Please don't be sad this time cz I'm sure your mom wouldn't like her little one in that state either no matter what the situation maybe. So smile and let me know if you're on FB or wattpad. We can be friends if you want. ;)

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller, tomthepo8.com
a year agoReply
@tatcat I am sorry that happened. In the past, there was tragically little psychological assistance to post-partum mothers. An indication of your gracefulness is that you have chosen love over anger.

tatcatSilently felt
a year agoReply
@bernardtwindwil Thank you. My mother ended her own life when I was 2 weeks old. This one was for her 💕

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller, tomthepo8.com
a year agoReply
This was among the most powerful odes to a mother's love I have ever read. You put your strong emotions to paper flawlessly. I was impressed by the vivid imagery you created with words. The wave after wave of sweet love were not inundating. This was beautiful, Great poem!!!