For an angel
I was born in October, the last October of the 20th Century
I do not recall the way the sun shone, I was too small. Too confused. I do not recall you holding me close.
You died that same October, and took with you the sun.
There was no light left in his eyes, he couldn't bear to look at me. For when he saw me, he saw you, his lover now gone.
I was not offended by your leaving.
But still affected by all of their loss.
They would cry and try to love me harder,
As if to make up for the fact that you couldn't be my mother
They did their best, and they did well.
But it was never quite enough. I never got to see your smile. To feel your love shine down on me.
All I wanted, was to be good enough.
Good enough so that you might have stayed.
But alas, the ethereal winds swept you away.
You serve a higher purpose, I am sure, and it beckoned you away from here. Away from me.
I have learnt to accept that and be strong,
But sometimes, in October, when I see the blossoming pink roses, I think of you, and what could have been
I have always felt responsible
Even though I could never have changed your mind
I am eternally grateful for you
And indebted to your sacrifice
Because without you there would be no me
And yet without you is the only way I have ever been
You have shaped who I am without ever having to hold my hand
You taught me more from where you are than many people who walk the earth ever have.
I am like you, in many ways.
Soft and strong and caring and intensely adventurous.
I admire your courage, and your life.
As well as mourn for the connection we never shared.
I'm certain, if we ever met, we'd be good friends.
Things are not meant to go that way, it seems. We are but trains who passed each other briefly,
Our tracks diverging too soon and yet
At exactly the right time. You gave to me the gift of the life you didn't want
And continued along your astral journey
I am sure I'll run into you some day
When both our souls are drifting in space
Perhaps we will recognise one another, and smile without needing to smile
Until then, I think of you often.
Mother I never met. I have much love to give to you. And so much to say.
We have so many long nights to make up for.
And yet, I know that you are always by my side.
You guide me with your angel wings,
Enfold me within feathers of grace and peace
You know me more than anyone
And you loved me more than I could fathom.
Every October I think of you
As I watch the birds sing and the flowers grow, see the seasons come and go
I am reminded of the endless cycle
This neverending churning wave of existence.
Life and death are both so relative it seems.
For sometimes it takes dying to feel truly alive.
And one does not know joy without considering sorrow
And one cannot feel loss without having felt complete.
I wish you well, this October.
Wherever you are. I'm sure you're happy, and so am I; I will cherish your wize timeless gaze looking down upon me–forever.