I've had it up to here. To. Here. First banana splits, now ice cream - are you aware just how exclusionary these topics are? Did you consider me? Did you? No. I thought not. Dairy is pure poison. It is dangerous and wholly evil. If it were up to me, it would be banned under the Geneva Convention and anyone within five metres of a cone, tub, or
other ice cream vessel should be imprisoned. After that, all factories should be shut down and cows should be free to roam the countryside and explode of their own accord. That would go some way to restoring justice. So making me discuss such lactosey topics is not just thoughtless, it is cruel. The pain that I feel in my heart is almost
as bad as the pain in my stomach when I mistakenly eat cheese thinking that it is an eraser. The ice cream prompt is an insult to sufferers of DIETARY REQUIREMENTS (TM) everywhere. And we will stand for it no more. We will rise from our toilet seats, grimacing in pain, clutching flags and banners
with hands that have clutched our stomachs for so long that our arms have natural curves in them. We will throw away our pills, march from the 'special corner' at the buffet, no more will we sit by as you guzzle cheesecake. We will overthrow this caketriarchy! For if we can't enjoy ice cream - no one can.
P.S. if anyone even thinks of telling me about dairy-free ice creams, or sorbets, or those vile vile avocado 'nice creams', there will be trouble. I have tried them all, and they are not up to standard. And now, a poem. To enthuse the brave activists and warriors - let them rally to our cause!
I have a solution, To this dairy pollution, It requires execution, Of a plan devolution.
First conquer distribution, (Resistors, prosecution!), And thence will be dilution, Of this creamy institution.
And with simple resolution, We will have our retribution, With soy-based substitution, They'll be dietary absolution.
So come forth with contribution, And vive revolution!