I feel sad for myself.
What the fuck am I doing?
Why do I do the things that I do? I couldn't tell you. Alienating yourself and putting up a barrier does feel good though. Or if you actually want to be realistic, it makes you feel nothing.
Which is still much better than feeling like I did before.
Why do we care about people? I mean, don't get me wrong, human connections are fascinating, that is under the condition that things work out.
But when things don't work out, it makes me wish I was a pet rock instead. A pet rock wouldn't catch feelings for it's girlfriend's sister. Nope. It just wouldn't.
I feel like I could walk aimlessly for hours or sprint for a while and still not be able to clear my head or even redirect my thoughts to something else. Oh wait, I could kill myself though.
But then again, no, that would be an inconsiderate thing to do to everyone around me (I know, I know, I don't sound the least bit politically correct, just spitting it out).
It's just strange.
For most part when you ask someone how they feel, they would be able to come up with at least one adjective to describe it at that instance (or not, but just go with it, okay?).
Well, I don't have the slightest clue of how I feel.
Am I happy that I don't have to see her everyday and ward off the urge of wanting her? or Should I be sad that I'm now missing someone who used to be a significant part of my life?
Hell, I could even be mad that she hasn't messaged me today (be it for some stupid reason) for the first time since the last day. I don't know. I really don't know.
What I do know is how I felt on that Tuesday, many weeks ago. Walking down to the coffee shop and I was about to get run over by a car backing up when she grabbed me and pulled me to the side.
All I remember from that moment is looking back and seeing her face. She looked genuinely scared. She cared.
At the same time I thought it would be concerning if she didn't care when someone was about to get run over by a car but that's beyond the point.
I thought that she cared about ME. And it felt good. In the coffee shop, we ended up going to different cashiers. I looked at her as I stood there waiting for my coffee on the other side.
She looked so beautiful. She gave me a smile and made a weird gesture with her hands as if she was trying to make a shadow animal. It made me laugh. I fucking love this girl, I thought.
But thinking back on it now, I realize that I am insignificant to her. Just another chapter in her story which is now behind her. She probably doesn't even care about me or how I feel.
It's just a big ol' joke life is playing on me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
God, I do really feel sad for myself.