(Author's Note) After this piece, there is a personal story that follows up on the piece, although it can be looked at separately. I encourage you all to read it.
My soul swirls in a fountain fondue of failures.
Failure is a tumult of thunderclap tyrants that lack audacious awes,
Failure is a tumult of thunderclap tyrants that lack audacious awes, scraping a scar of cynical citadels: tearful torrents drown every dream.
My piano-tiled paradise of pizzazz played pleasures, but it now performs pitted pride.
My piano-tiled paradise of pizzazz played pleasures, but it now performs pitted pride. A splash of sunlight swims sanguine stupors only in a mirror maligned by my maelstrom of melancholy.
My scars oscillate between obedience and outrage –
My scars oscillate between obedience and outrage – I cannot get out of my mind.
My husked hopes already withered in a tantrum of trepidation
My husked hopes already withered in a tantrum of trepidation and jittered into jumbles of junked jubilations.
The electric riffs of plastic pleasures no longer roar reveries.
The electric riffs of plastic pleasures no longer roar reveries. My muse is a mistral that bolts my breakouts from ever becoming blisses.
There is no mystique.
My muse is myself and I cannot feel anything beyond words that warp my warmth into woes.
My muse is myself and I cannot feel anything beyond words that warp my warmth into woes. My teardrops are talons that trickle into vexed venom and I can no longer feel.
I am in my dark side –
I am in my dark side – I don’t deserve to claim discontent.
It’s my fault I feel like I am nothing.
It's my fault that the sultry slang of suffocating secrets sludges my thoughts in despair.
It’s my fault that the starlight seeped from the starry sky
It’s my fault that the starlight seeped from the starry sky and I am left with cacophonic constellations
It’s my fault that the starlight seeped from the starry sky and I am left with cacophonic constellations that synergize sadness and self-loathing.
Words whirl naive nightmares of knives now.
Words whirl naive nightmares of knives now. Don’t break me down.
Break me out.
(Aside) So, I was going to write something different for my next piece, but upon some self-reflection earlier this week, I want to share a story with you all about something I felt during high school.
In mid-2016, I participated in a Cadet summer training course for six weeks. For those of you who read my Cadet blog post, you know that this experience reignited my interest in the program. I loved every second of it and made many friends and I felt like I mattered to others and that I was accepted.
I have never dealt with depression or mental illness, but I felt very lonely and hopeless throughout high school. Cadets was like a weekly escape from that, where I felt like I was important.
After that six-week course, I came back to school a few weeks later for the twelfth grade (that's the final year of high school). I felt very down for many months as it felt like every ounce of happiness from that preceding summer vanished.
I felt alone, miserable, and like I went back to not mattering at all to anyone. I am sure that a lot of this might have been exaggerated in my head, but for things to essentially go back from an emotional high to an emotional low made me feel quite hopeless.
I had quite a few friends in high school, but I started to get more distant from them and I wanted to isolate myself from others and just have room to breathe alone. I am not sure why, but I also felt more conscious about my body shape and weight during that time. I am very skinny and others have pointed it out.
Maybe I should have expressed my sadness to others and looked for a solution instead of shafting others. I have felt shafted for my entire life and I was doing it to my friends, although other circumstances in twelfth grade caused a bit of a split in our friend's group.
I do not worry about questioning the past, though. It is over, but it can be hard to look ahead when things are hazy in the present.
Despite the lack of any hope in this story, I want you all to know that your sadness cannot and will not last forever. Two of my passions kept some happiness during this time, which were Air Cadets and writing. I continued to make friends through both of those.
Follow what you love and find life in that. Do not settle for any less and do not bring yourself down like I did -- as I reflected on in this piece and in this story. It is difficult, I know. But the end result is worthwhile and the effort will pay off.
I am still friends with a lot of people from high school, and I have been very happy for most of the year. I do have unhappy and hopeless days, but University and, after some thought, Commaful have both helped. You all love what I love and I can feel that passion! <3
I want to become a teacher as a result of my own experience teaching in Air Cadets and my passion towards English as a subject. I plan on volunteering at my high school and assisting some of my former teachers in the coming months, too!
So, I hope that gives some hope and closure to this story and to the piece at large. You are all not alone and you can all still flourish and grow into the beautiful people that you all are and all will be!
I appreciate all of you, as this website has definitely had a positive effect on me emotionally and it raises my confidence as a writer and even as a person. So, thank you, Commaful -- you all mean a lot to me! <3
That is all for today. I hope that you all enjoyed my piece, and know that you all do matter in your own brilliant ways that nobody else will fulfill. Keep on writing and know that people can rise out of sadness. You can all do it!
Do not doubt that for a second. I am not the happiest of people and I am sure that you would all think that I am awkward in real life. :) (Well, I am bad at assumptions.) Take care, all, and keep on writing! <3