Sometimes I wish I were a boy. Born a boy, growing up with dinosaurs and cowboys. Blue walls and graphic tees. Playing video games with my friends after school. Screaming in victory after I won my soccer match. Getting carried on my dads shoulders as he took me to my first baseball game. Unwrapping my favorite action figure on Christmas morning.
If only I was born a boy, but sometimes I wonder if I actually was. Would I miss the long hair that fell below my shoulders? Would I miss getting dressed up to make everyone stare? Having my mother braid my hair and tell me how pretty she thought I was. Pretending I was a magical mermaid swimming the depth of the sea. Playing barbies with my sister and only hoping I could be that pretty.
That's the problem you see. I don't feel uncomfortable as a girl. I will never know for sure because I did not grow up as a boy, I will never be able to tell if I would miss being a girl more than I want to be a boy.
Im stuck in the middle, not knowing how to make myself happy. Maybe I would be happy being neither, or both. Im stuck somewhere I don't want to be but there is no escape for me. Since I feel both there is no end of the tunnel, no solution or goal.
I am most scared of not feeling real. All this time deciding is time I am wasting. I know it is never too late but I can't help but feel incomplete. I will never get the childhood I wanted. I want to fully experience what it means to be a boy. The question is would I want the opposite if I was actually born a boy?