I wake up feeling dazed from my dream and the room is dark, I slump out of bed searching for my slippers and quietly try to get to the bathroom without my housemate hearing me.
I come back, slowly close the door and open back the curtains. The day looks gloomy and grey as it usually is in England.
It's the weekend but I haven't been able to keep track of the day lately being unemployed. I have applied to quite a few jobs so hopefully I'll get an interview soon!
I was watching the TV and they were showing highlights from the BAFTAs, some woman won best netflix show or something.
Netflix made her rich, I wonder if it's luck or if she really did work really hard to get those riches.
I want a lot of money so I don't have to worry about not being able to afford things to survive during my life here on Earth. I'm 28, still single, no friends, no close family.
I started to think, how can I get rich? Shoul I try to become a model? Try audition for a movie extra or show. Should I try and find a rich man to marry and hope he stays with me.
No, men get bored quickly I doubt that very much. Sometimes I think men are more in love with themselves and their money, women can be too but I am just talking from my perspective.
I don't to men more than women. I talk to lots of men on the internet but not in person. All I know is my own thoughts and what I see and hear but there is a lot of gray in between everything.
I think when one focuses entirely on the one thing that want in life, ambition and they keep going towards it, and a pinch of luck obviously - you can get rich!
It also helps if your business minded I think. I don't really have those skills. All those books talk about how sexuality helps drive success...
well I'm asexual, I have no interest in letting someone penetrate me, I'm more than happy to sort out my own needs myself.
I just find it so odd, I've never come across a man who gave me the feeling of wanting to do anything physical with him, not even kiss because I could sense the predatory, selfish,
horny side which I don't really like. I prefer mind over body, self control, emotional love. Cuddles are okay and small kisses will do.
I can love a man just sitting with him but I think most men require the physical aspect to prove the love which is a shame.
It's so much more magical and special when you believe in it with your heart not just your eyes.
I was not made to be rich, I am a prude, emotional female who is about to start her period in 2 days according to my mobile period tracking app.
Mobile phones, they are so helpful, it's like my friend haha.
I hear her, she's awake in the other room. I don't know how long I'm going to stay here, hopefully I find a job soon.
I'm good at being by myself, I sit in my room by myself a lot, it's like being a prisoner but I voluntarily do it because I don't want to waste my money.
I only go out if I need to absolutely get something or if I just need some fresh air. Otherwise, I'd rather not, the traffic, noise, too many humans, strange strangers.
Strangers walk right past me on the streets but when they are on the internet they say whatever they want and majority of the messages I get from men are sexual.
I realized this was a very sexually drive society a couple of years ago, very animalistic. Of course, only a fraction of the population will be rich and the rest middle class or poor.
We live in a predominantly masculine world, if you're lucky you might find that some femininity still exists. Women working hard, getting nannies to look after their kids.
if she's working hard to give the child a good life and she genuinely has a passion for her work hats off to her but if she's just avoiding her parental responsibilities like a cowards I
say next time keep your legs closed.
You see, it's not likely for me to become rich because I am not very materialist so there is no desire for flashy stuff, I have no sexual egotistical manipulative sales attitude.
I just think a lot about life, how I wished the world would be more....
I'm getting emotional again, must be my hormones before my period starts. I don't like the word depression, I think it's a natural thing.
If you feel depressed it's no your fault in my opinion, it's the worlds fault, societies fault. The monetary system is a good way to keep things in control, control can be good.
I just think that natural foods and absolute essentials should come free or much cheaper.
Houses should not cost so much money and they should build more cheaper accommodation, not everyone can afford to take out a mortgage and I don't want to.
I'd rather go around like Mary and Jesus knocking on the doors lol... No I wouldn't really do that but it's a funny thought. No Donkey though, i'd prefer a cute shetland pony awwww.
I have to go downstairs, use some of the food in the fridge. I'm trying to not buy too much in case I move again.
I'm just focusing on finding work at the moment, it's not a nice feeling being bored and on top of that having no friends / companionship.
To be honest I'm quite picky, I don't like spending too much time around people who are not on a similar wavelength to me otherwise it becomes really draining,
like when you have to sit in assembly at school because you've been told you have to and then you struggle to stay away haha.
I like down to hear, humble, non judgmental people who have good self control.
A few weeks ago I went to meet a guy I was chatting to on the internet, I said to him many times 'we're just meeting as friends.' I was stood waiting for him for 25 minutes.
I told him we could meet another day but he was so desperate to meet. I told him a bit about my situation, that I was looking for a place to move or new job.
I thought maybe this guy was going to be like my hero, maybe he had some advice, a job offer! I was so optimistic for a change and thought, I'll take the risk...
Well he was a dummy! He was asking about my religion, trying to grab my arm and then tried to make me take a walk with him in the car.
He opened the sunroof and said 'look at the stars!' so desperately trying to be romantic, it made me cringe.
He locked me in his car and then we he unlocked it I walked home, in the dark, by myself. Yes, that was not knight in shining armor, no man ever has been like my knight.
The movies portrayed men in a way I liked, protective, gentleman like but no for me this is not the case. I feel nothing or I feel like a piece of meat most of the time.
Some people ask me 'are you lesbian' lol. No I'm not lesbian, it's just that my idea of my ideal man doesn't exist unfortunately or if he does it's hard to find.
Only a small percentage of the population identify as being asexual but relationships aren't just based on sexuality, there are so many other aspects of compatibility too.
Anyway, I don't want to sit here thinking about all this crap again. I'll probably just eat, go on the internet, watch a movie, chat with some stranger online and then go to sleep.
I thought it would be nice to write down my thoughts, let it all out. Thanks.