It had been 63 days since she had seen his face. She longed for even the smallest glimpse of it once more. She couldn't help but remember the butterflies she felt in her tummy every single time she laid eyes on him.
It was the greatest conflict she always felt within herself. Fourteen years, he had held her heart. He didn't always treat it kindly, in fact he hardly ever did. This did not matter to her. What mattered to her was how she felt for him. What she craved most, was his heart. She knew she would never have it.
It never mattered if he was angry at her, despised her, doubted her, loved her, cared for her, touched her, hurt her... Each time she looked at him, she felt the same. That tug. At her core. The deepest part of her. She knew since she first laid eyes on him that he was forever going to be her weakness.
That tug at her core was what defined her purpose. She was so strong, so always in control, so confident. So much of a mystery... ...but never with him. He was to forever be unreachable. She could not capture his heart, his mind nor his soul. He ensured he would never be hers fully.
What she always had of his was his body. She knew it intrinsically. Every scar, every freckle, every bump. She often counted the freckles on his back each time she had tickled it. 38 it was. His fragrance wheel, the collection of his aromas were all that filled her olfactory passage.
Sometimes fresh, sometimes musky, sometimes downright rancid, the consequence of all his physical activity. Oh! How she loved watching him work. Every flex of his shoulder muscle, his shoulder bones, his abs, his chest, his arms, his calves. She soaked them all in each time she watched him.
His hands, those he often cursed for constantly losing skin and flesh from the tiniest nick or bump. The result of a hereditary disorder. He hated it. She often warned him to be cautious, he never knew the meaning of the word. Another thing she loved about him, but often let him believe the opposite.
Those hands were the master of her body. Her body, a mound of putty for him to mold to his desire. Each touch a smoldering scorch to her inner most depths. Stoking her fires, igniting her flames of abandon. She welcomed the burning.
His scent, his movements, his gazes, his thoughts, his leisure, his entire existence was just a tug at her core. She often told him so, but words could never truly convey what she meant to get across. The wall he erected to guard himself from her never allowed her words to penetrate.
She was always left helpless. To him, she had bared it all. Body, mind, heart, soul and her deepest inner core. She knew it meant she could be hurt and broken beyond repair. It mattered not to her. She wanted him to look inside her, beyond everything and see what reflected within her.
There was not another soul on earth that could understand who she was. She had always hoped he would understand. She had found and seen something inside him that he did not show to anyone. He did not show it to her either.
She chose to look for it, to find it, to understand it and to cherish it. She remembered the number one rule she gave him, the very first day they met. She gave him this rule for a reason. Not so much of a warning but more of a revelation to him.
The reason for it was strictly because who she was, was never to be shared with anyone else except for him. No buts, ifs, ands, whats, whos, wheres, hows, whens. No-one, not another soul ever. Fullstop. She thought he had heard her, she thought he had understood. She has since learned, he never did.
Today, she sat longing to see his face so she could tell him exactly how many times she had looked upon it in the past. She knew the number. Today, she sat longing to hear his voice so she could tell him what the sound of him did to her. She now finally found the words.
Today, she faced the reality that she had lost him. She accepted it because all she ever had of him was his body. Today, she accepted that she would never get to tell him what she knew or what she felt.
Today, she accepted that there would always be a void in her, but she welcomed the void. It was her constant reminder that he existed and she had given him the part of her that she always intended him to have.
Nothing as fragile as a heart that could be broken, nothing as fragile as a mind that could be tainted, nothing as fragile as a soul that could be corrupted. No, she gave him her core that was her strength. She gave him her ESSENCE it was forever HIS and she walked away...