show me yours I'll​ show you mine
show me yours I'll​ show you mine falling in love stories
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seekingsquake
seekingsquakeI've got a tambourine heart
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
time to tell the truth

show me yours I'll​ show you mine

One:

I was sixteen the first time I said it aloud to someone

I was sixteen the first time I said it aloud to someone "I don't want kids."

but I think I'd known it my whole life

besides the fact that I don't think I'd be a very good mother--

(impatient, strong desire for solitude, haphazard ability and willingness to take care of myself)

I just... never felt the pull

I just... never felt the pull my maternal instinct is nil

and aside from the fact that I've disappointed my mother, my grandmother, and every random middle-aged​ woman who has ever asked me about it

I'm unbothered

I don't want kids

I won't change my mind

end of story

we were nearing the end of our second date when you brought it up

unprompted, nervous, unable to look me in the face

"How much has she told you about... me?"

"How much has she told you about... me?" ("she" being our mutual friend. "she" had told me quite a lot. enough that, from the tone of your voice, I could guess where you were steering this conversation)

(maybe it makes me a bad person, but I played dumb)

when you were nineteen you had cancer

you don't anymore (thank god thank god thank god)

but you did lose something in order to keep your life

your first confession was this: I can't have children

mine was: that suits me just fine

Two:

I came out of the womb with my umbilical cord tied around my neck like a noose

blue, ready to die before I had even been a person outside my mother's body

so angry at her for forcing me to exist that I almost took her back out with me

we were both saved but

we were both saved but that moment really did set the tone for most of my youth, if you know what I mean

(childbirth sounds terrifying I never want--)

a week after my fifteenth​ birthday I walked into the ER, right up to the front desk and I told the nurse that if she didn't help me

I was going to kill myself

if I forget to take my pills in the morning

that feeling is still right under my skin

while you were in recovery from the surgery that saved your life but altered your body

(your future, your self-image​, your relationship with your father, your--)

your step-brother said to you

your step-brother said to you "If I couldn't have kids I think I'd kill myself. What are we here for, if not for that?"

(humans are not baby making machines your step-brother is a doofus)

you tell me that sometimes you feel like less of a man

as if all the things that make you Man were bundled up inside your testicles

and when you lost those

and when you lost those you lost your relationship with masculinity, too

your second confession was this: sometimes I wish they hadn't saved me

mine was: same, dude

Three:

Your last girlfriend left you because you would never be able to give her a biological family

("biological fam--" there are so many kids who do have parents what bullshit I can't believe--)

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop touching me

my last boyfriend left me because he wanted a sex doll​

and I just wouldn't stop talking

you are not like anyone I've ever been with before

the first moment I thought I could love you,

you asked to hold my hand before you grabbed it

the first moment I knew I could love you,

you made my best friend laugh so hard she cried in public

and I knocked over my glass of water when I doubled over, cackling

I am, apparently, not like anyone you've ever been with before

I spoil you with gifts and I'm gentle and--

you feel safe, with me

I get angry thinking about the fact that you ever spent your love on someone who didn't cherish you

who only thought about what she could take from you, and not about

what she could give

angry thinking about the fact that you think you're not good enough for me

your third confession: I want to give you everything you deserve

mine: I couldn't care less about "deserve" when you're already giving me everything I need

Four:

You let me set the pace ​since we met

and you've always given first

it's my turn

my fourth confession: you are enough. you are more than enough. you are not lacking. you are stong and beautiful, and you are patient and kind, and you are the best man that I know

my fifth confession: I am the luckiest girl probably on the planet, but on this side of the hemisphere for sure

my sixth: you're stuck with me

my seventh: I love you. I love you. I love you.

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