She doesn’t want to weep. She doesn’t want to smile either.
Screaming will make her parents suspicious.
It feels like dark night with no moon and no hope of next morning. she can’t afford to be weak because of herself and her dreams.
Sometimes in the middle of night she spends long hour with her reflection in the mirror.
Is she betraying herself? Is she betraying her inner desires? Is she betraying the promises she made in her childhood to the future self?
she can’t be tagged as a failure if she is still finding the reason of her existence (that’s how she sooth herself).
‘you are a survivor’ sometimes she hears this but she doesn’t want to survive, she wants to live.
sometimes it’s too dark to see the light of hope but her mother called her light once.
sometimes things are so taciturn here that the silence goes down under your veins and makes you shiver giving you a sign of some hurricane.
She resist and try not to cry because those unfallen tears works like a tonic for her. She is not waiting for someone to bring days
when she will step in light, when she will feel her own self, when she will laugh like other girls do, when she will live like normal people,
but right now,
all she is experiencing is how darkness is taking over light.
It’s like an eclipse where the darkness wins and she fades away.
No, it’s not a depression she is experiencing.
She is experiencing something deep and danger that is 'hopelessness’.
So, what if her dreams taking long to come true? So, what if she is not what she thought in her child hood? So, what if she is considered as a failure?
So, what if she finds people mocking at her? So, what if she is not confident enough to yell? So, what if she is afraid of her own self which is ready to attack any time?
she is still alive,
she knows how it feels to be in dark, she knows how it feels to be left alone, she knows how it feels to be unwanted.
And somehow this is enough to strive for what she doesn’t have
Love, Hope, Light, To be wanted.
Recently I have been going through some emotions and thoughts I don't understand so I tried to give them words. Hopefully I succeeded. Trust me I don't want you to relate any of this but If u can relate just know u r not alone and I love u. Thanks for reading.😀