I can't get her out of my head.
That much, I know, and it's about all I know.
Oh, and of course, that it's wrong. Probably. Maybe.
I am after all suffering the effects of a deep, agonising void.
An emptiness, I'm yearning to fill.
I feel rejected and hurt. And I'm tired and bored.
And while I can't quite make sense of what I have in my life I do have an acute sense of what is missing.
There is a lack of joy. There is a lack of intimacy and affection.
And I miss sex because I really like sex.
So yes, all of this is almost certainly mostly about me.
But that doesn't necessarily mean, it's not about her, too.
Firstly, a confession. She is forbidden. All of my thoughts for her are wrong and can lead to nothing but misery (probably).
Which is, more than likely, why they feel so right.
But is it right because it's wrong, or is it just right but wrong?
Another confession. I have never wanted to fuck someone, more.
I want to close in behind her, grab her waist and pull me towards her. Slide my hand up her trim stomach to her breast. Softly put my mouth her on her neck. And then not be soft at all.
I masturbate a lot, thinking about this.
Again, that might just be because it's all so wrong. Dangerous. Thrilling.
Maybe, probably, that's why I can't stop thinking about her, too.
It's not unreasonable to suggest that I think about sex quite a lot, and if she is the object of my sexual desires, then it's logical that I'm thinking about her a lot. Probably.
Actually, I don't think that's it. For me, sexual intimacy is generally a by-product of emotional intimacy. I think it's more likely that I want to be in her because I'm into her.
I really, truly think she's actually quite nice. And she's nice to me, too.
And while I understand that wrong can feel nice, can being nice be wrong too?
I've certainly been told that her being nice to me is wrong. I don't think that it is. Probably.
She, of course, could only be acting nice, because it's in her best interests to do so. I've been told that, too. But I don't think that she is.
I've even been told that I'm just wrong to believe she is nice at all.
Yet, the only thing I really think is wrong and which is not very nice - is that I can't feel nice that someone is actually being nice to me.
When I'm with her, I smile. Often so much that it hurts. And we laugh. And fuck that feels good.
I do sometimes wonder if she's humouring me. I've gotten so used to feeling like I inspire no joy that it feels a conceit to think otherwise
She even lets me play with her (I wish). I can goof around, and I think she enjoys it. Probably. Maybe.
Whatever. I like it. In fact, I think it's when I feel most like me and god knows, I all too rarely feel like I'm me.
Is it wrong that she is the person that makes me feel like me. Probably. Maybe. Or do I feel like that just because 'me' is more than a little wrong. Maybe. Probably.
In any case, none of this changes the fact that she does feel right, even though (because?) it's wrong.
I don't believe in love anymore - or at least not in that fantastical, magical sense of the word where you find a soulmate, you're meant to be with forever.
I find it more probable that love is simply a feel-fucking-good mix of emotional and physical chemistry that many people can fulfil given the right opportunity.
And right now, she's one of those people. So, yeh, I guess that means I'm kind of a little bit in love with her at present.
And I concede that's not probably wrong or maybe wrong, it is genuinely wrong. It's also almost certainly right that what she is feeling isn't nearly as wrong as what I'm feeling.
Or should I say what she's feeling is far more right than what I'm feeling? Or just plainly that what she feels is nothing like what I feel.
Yet, for all of this, I have no intent to do what's right. I want to keep being wrong with her.