I’m 21 years old. I’ve still not officially graduated. I’m still a virgin.
My second relationship ended on March 2015 and I have never dated anyone else after that.
The former relationship I had was a result of loneliness, peer pressure and being stuck up in a suffocating environment.
All in all, it was the result of a bad decision which hurt my then boyfriend and left a bad taste in my mouth too. Like literally.
Soon after I shifted to another city for college I ended up taking a course I never wanted and was not happy with but I did not have the necessary determination to back out and call
my parents and tell them I wasn’t happy with it because I had the attitude that “I’ll adjust to it anyway.” That’s what convent schools do to you I guess. Another bad decision.
I was so caught up with myself and how incapable I was that I missed out on 10 million things that passed by that I could’ve made an integral part of my college life.
So, three years passed in phases of being confused, stressed out and to not give a single flying fuck in the world.
The only bright side was that I met companions for life though that too was not initially easy but they are keepers. They were my biggest blessings in my emotional pandemonium.
How hard could it be? To decide on what you want in life and to pursue it? The high school me had every damn thing figured out in that little puddle I was living in then.
The adult me googles it. I thought google was useful only for assignments and projects.
Yet here I am till today googling my way through the tiniest problems hoping that someone in this world has the same questions too.
Not knowing what you want could be more damaging to you than you can ever imagine.
Not knowing your criteria will make you choose the wrong things.
Not knowing yourself will make you choose the wrong person.
It is so hard to live sometimes. I just don’t know how to explain this. I’m not physically ill. Completely healthy physically. It’s not that I can’t do things with my hands and feet.
I can move, I can work. But why is everything so difficult or just boring. I lack that drive. That drive to get up and do something.
I’m so stagnant. I neither feel like I’m progressing nor digressing. I’m just there. Just in one place constantly. And its so damn frustrating yet I can’t do anything to move myself.
Where do I find this motivation to move with my life? At the pace that its supposed to be?
Instagram? Facebook? You tube? By looking at other peoples lives? It makes me think I want to do better but my body doesn’t move with my thoughts.
I feel like an empty void. I feel nothing at times.
I feel I have nothing too. Nothing to offer to anybody who comes my way.