I think I’ve been sitting in this living room for about 6 hours and 43 minutes, not really doing much.
I woke up much later than I wanted to, which was alarming because I thought I’d only slept a couple minutes past my alarm. My sense of time feels lacking.
Last night I said I wouldn’t smoke today and I actually felt pretty good about it, felt like I could do it.
This morning, I woke up feeling particularly sober, so hitting a bong was my priority, Of course, I felt like shit immediately afterwards,
and I wished I had drank some coffee and gotten to work instead, but you know, I didn’t, so c’est la vie. I played a few games of fifa and watched many episodes of the Office.
I briefly thought about watching a good film,
but the thought of actually paying attention to something didn’t sound particularly appetizing so I clicked on the “Continue Watching” button instead.
It’s really hard to express myself sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can express my emotions is through a verb that I don’t really know how to perform.
Like right now, I feel like retreating.
I feel like going somewhere dark and cozy and closing my eyes and losing all sense of self; I want to become a warm, sentient ball of comfort and darkness.
I want vision to shut off for a while and only for thought to exist, for everything I wish to be to be, as real as seeing would be.
I would be able to live out scenes of my past in a verbal manner, a stream of consciousness rather than flashes of photons forming a projection of reality.
I think if I went over to my bed and laid down and turned the lights off, covering myself in thick blankets,
and began to stretch like one does in the mornings then I might be able to achieve something physically similar to how I feel right now.
I would stretch my legs and each individual toe, letting the tension leave my feet. I would arch my back in whichever way felt right, making circles with my shoulders as I do so.
The stretching would provide the feeling of happiness and fulfillment that I really want right now; it would help the darkness and the warmth truly come together.
But I can’t do that, I’m sitting around a bunch of people who would wonder why I suddenly left the room.
Also, what good would it do?
The feeling would be fleeting and the comfort I would receive would stop probably as soon as I stopped performing the action,
which is why verbal emotions are so hard to deal with: they have to be conducted constantly in order for them to work as needed.
I’ve been talking to a girl named Bri lately. She started hitting on me last week, which caught me as a surprise.
I was pretty sure that most people found me repulsive, and even those who thought I had an okay personality would have preferred literally anyone else.
Yet there was Bri, wedging herself between me and Aubrey and holding my hand suspiciously soon after starting a scary movie. Fun.
Soon after that night she found a reason to text me and began texting me often.
Me, eager to gain warmth and attention, reciprocated her flirtatious acts and invited her and Aubrey over to watch more scary movies at my place. I held her hand again and even cuddled with her.
She texted me more and more, she got more and more risky with her texts, and then she invited me over to her place to watch Harry Potter movies.
I know this seems nerdy as shit, but them movies are looooooong, and when you start them at 6PM… well let’s just say a sleepover is often necessary.
I went over, watched three movies, and cuddled with her for a long ass time. I didn’t kiss her because I didn’t feel like it.
I left at 1:30AM after having been eyeing the clock for nearly two hours, and got home and smoked a blunt with my roommate.
This morning, I woke up and felt that feeling of retreat. She texted me at 1PM but I didn’t respond until 5 and even now I’ve been responding pretty sporadically.
A week or two ago, I thought that I really wanted a texting buddy, someone I could text like I would text you and Lindsey.
But this isn’t working out for me and I kinda wish I hadn’t gone for it to begin with. It does not feel right, something feels terribly fabricated and off.
Now, I seem to be sure that time alone is what I need, the burden of companionship looks way too fucking heavy.
After all, despite my recent positive attitude, I’m sure I’m still depressed as shit.
This means I have days when I want to do nothing but sit in my living room and smoke weed and not talk to anyone but the people I’m already super comfortable with and who will enable my choices.
I don’t want to have to interrupt my detrimental sadness with visits to or from a girlfriend. Gross. I wanna be able to be self-destructive as often and as erratically as I please.
One day I’ll be good and healthy and I can have a girlfriend, but till then, I think I’m good being single.