It's been a whole since my ex and I split. 4 months, going on 5. I won't bore you with the mundane details of why it would never have worked and why it ended.
We've all seen enough Nicholas Sparks movies to know that some things just aren't meant to be.
It's funny how different a break up is every relationship. Thinking back to the drama at the end of my first love. Wanting to tear your hair out, destroying every trace of their presence, wailing like a grieving mother over feelings that were, comparatively, nothing.
While it's painful to experience, its fantastic to observe how different things are this time around.
What's become blaringly obvious to me of late, is the enormous amount of contradictions that come with your break-up mindset.
I don't want to talk to you. But why haven't you even tried to reach out?
I'm mad because I want the chance to shut you down, and you won't give it to me.
I don't want to be with you. So why does the thought of you with someone else make my heart race and my palms sweat and my eyes twinge, like tears could come on in an instant.
I'm logically comfortable with the break up. So why can't I be on the same level emotionally?
I told you I didn't want to marry you. I told you I didn't want to have children with you. You wept. How did you move from wanting a future with me, to not even acknowledging my existence?
How dare you move on from me. Even though I don't love you anymore.
It's this world of never ending 'buts' and 'how could you's' that I can feel, pricking behind my eyeballs. Exacerbated by a picture. A memory. Radio silence. Anything.
Because you were a part of everything, for so long. And now I have to figure out how to remove you from every little action. Every train ride, every song I play, every page I read, every word I write.
Do you think about me? Incessantly, like I you? I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy. But you can’t be as happy as I am.
They say; he never made any effort. It was you keeping the relationship alive. Am I so naive to expect the effort from you now, when it was never there to begin with?
This isn't social media. I don't need to spin this into my perfect life - the one without you in it. And if you do decide to show some acknowledgement of the time we loved and the time we lost, I'll be all ears. But I know you.
And I know I'd be waiting until the earth ends to get a single scrap of effort from you.
To you, reader: Do my ramblings mean anything? To you? To anyone? How can we show empathy when no two people can possibly experience the same pain as each other?