"Last orders" bellows the landlord as he thrashes the bell. Its thunderous chimes seeming to shake the building itself as the soundwaves drown the background noise of private conversations.
"Pint of the blackstuff please landlord" slurs Ed as he slides his empty glass on the bar. The landlords head tilts to one side as an animalistic grin engulfs his fat face.
A chill runs down Eds spine when he looks up to see the landlord with his back facing the bar holding a glass between his legs.
The slight chill in Eds spine mutates quickly into an overwhelming sense of dread as he turns around to see all of the patrons share the same blood curdling grin.
"Jesus H Christ" shouts Ed as the landlord slams down the glass with all of his might its warm yellowish content sloshing over the brim leaving a wet patch on the bar.
"What the fuck is that" Ed screams nervously.
The landlords smile now making his lips quiver as a laughter erupts from deep within.
"What's a matter boy? Ay ya fusty" squeals a toothless scruffy old man from the other end of the bar.
Laughter now spreading like wildfire around the pub as all of it patrons take turns to answer Eds question. "Looks yummy to me" cries a well to do middle aged man.
"Mmmm looks simply scrummy to me" yells his wife as they both turn to one another in fits of uncontrollable laughter.
The toothless old scruff laughs like a wild hyena as he walks over towards Ed holding his his belly with one hand and using the other to hold himself up against the bar.
The landlords laughter now wild as toothless holds the glass of warm salty fluid to his lips. Trying his hardest not to laugh toothless takes a swig and then spits a mouthful into Eds face.
"Ergh taste like piss" he says before resuming his dog like howls of laughter.
The landlord's trying to pull himself onto the bar as an older woman shouts through fits of laughter "look at me look at me" as she pushes her big rounded nose through a hole in a sheet
of wet newspaper. Her tongue wagging up and down through another hole lower down the page.
The landlord is now center stage standing on the bar.
Wolf whistles break through the strange laughter as the woman with the big nose shouts "go on john give us a dance ha ha ha ha" ed feels disgusted by the sight of the older woman rubbing
her breasts while snot pours from her purple nose (purple from obvious years of alcoholism) .
The landlord complies with the request to dance and pulls down his trousers to expose his shrivelled penis.
His fat belly now on show almost covers his manhood as he humms "dah da da da dah da da da da dah da da" swivelling his wrists as his belly shakes with all the elegance of a true belly dancer.
For the first time even Ed gives a laugh although out of pure bewilderment and nervousness rather than sense of humour.
Laughter is now so wild it almost sounds like white noise. Toothless still howling with laughter grabs the landlords fat belly and buries his face into the soft rolls of fat.
Having raspberries blown into his tummy makes the landlord wriggle in fits of ecstasy.
"I ha ha ha arghhhh ga ha ha...... i.. i i can ha ha ha i can do better" says a young man no older than 20. his words barely audible against the hysteria of the room.
The young man pushes over the toothless old scruff who even on the floor is clutching his own belly hardly able to breathe such a hold his laughter has on him.
The landlord squirms in delight as the younger man blows raspberries into the crease of his fat sweaty bottom.
Ed now horrified by the pandemonium notices a slightly sane look warm its way into the landlords face as he kicks the young mans face.
The young mans nose pops blood flushing from his nose like a like a pan of water boiling over its brim but still he managed to maintain his laughter.
Now the landlord jumps down behind the bar and pulls up his trousers as he reaches for the knotted rope hanging from the bell.
"Time gentlemen please" he bellows with a husky voice dried out by the uncontrollable laughing.
The silence in the room almost hurts Eds ears as he still feels horrified by the crazed scene that had just played out around him.
"Goodnight john" says the bloody faced young man as he stands and walks out as though nothing had happened.
"Cheers landlord" the well to do man and his wife say almost in perfect sync as they push through the solid wood front door. "Same time tomorrow Jim" asks the landlord.
"Wouldn't miss it John" he says with just a hint of a toothless smile creasing his withered face.