the ugly side of love
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ReasonsofbeingTo know me, read me (;
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
“I don’t want to have feelings because one way or another I’ll mess things up. I mess everything up. It’s my thing."

the ugly side of love

by reasonsofbeing

According to my calculator,

I’ve spent 19 million seconds loving you. About 3.6 million in you promised me you’d never hurt me, 4.3 million in you told me you loved me, and 4.5 million seconds in you said you regretted it.

Kinda crazy how it took 1 second for you to say...

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.” 1 second to ruin all the seconds before it, with an apology that left me drowning in the lifeboat you threw to me, unaware of the gaping hole in its floor.

How can that one second loom over me still?

When the time before the 4.5 millionth second, when you loved me back, feels like a distant memory of another life? Makes me question everything I’ve ever been taught about time...

But I guess our universe doesn’t take “I don’t want to have feelings because one way or another I’ll mess things up. I mess everything up. It’s my thing,” into consideration.

The clocks say it’s been 14.5 million seconds since you ended our story, but I’m still stuck in the second in which I knew it was over, the second that stretches out even as the clocks move on.

It grasps at my neck, pushing me under while I claw at its arms, begging for another breath, another second, stuck on the precipice of the 4.5 millionth second of us.

The clocks read 1:00 am, but I just see 4.5 million seconds.

1:03 am. 4.5 million seconds. 1:05 am. 4.5 million seconds

The calendar says the months go by as I wait for 4.5 million and one, but if I’m honest with myself I’m just waiting to tell you the only mistake you made was being so scared you'd make one.

But the clocks say it’s been over for 14.5 million seconds..

And I wouldn't know how to tell you if I tried.

3.6 million seconds.

“The last thing I’ll ever want to do is hurt you.”

4.3 million seconds.

“Rydw i’n caru ti.”

4.5 million seconds.

“I think we should take a break.”

I’m still waiting for the break to be over.

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10 months agoReply
@reasonsofbeing I've come to realize that after any traumatic experience, exhaustion is all you feel and in a way, the only thing you feel, until you recover from what you went through. Even thinking about it just, well, exhausts you. It's this chronic PTSD that robs you of your energy and leaves you almost irreparably tired. And when you think back to all you used to wish for, you suddenly find yourself giving up any dreams you had, no matter how small, and wishing and praying for a damn break. A minute, a moment, a day, where you don't feel like you're exhausted. I understand you completely.

ReasonsofbeingBronze CommaTo know me, read me (;
10 months agoReply
@wethedreamers It's interesting that you used the word "tired," because that's actually the perfect word to describe it. When things first fall apart, you feel angry, confused, upset. But looking back, all you feel is...tired. You're tired of everything they put you through, of hoping for things to get better, of them not getting better, and just in general you feel exhausted. It's incredibly perceptive of you to be able to label that emotion so precisely (:

wethedreamersCommabassadorAnd we're a million miles away.
10 months agoReply
I can feel the tension through the spaces and it's so hard to read without feeling uncomfortable; I can't imagine what it was having to live like this. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You must be so tired.

ReasonsofbeingBronze CommaTo know me, read me (;
a year agoReply
@michaelschulze haha well, that's the point I'm trying to make, no? That time, though we think of it as a steady constant, can be different for all of us

a year agoReply
Nice work time is relevant but how can you measure something that doesn't exist