The most beautiful thing just happened.
I'm still confused, in a daze, not really fathoming it...in fact, I have no clue what I'm writing right now, because the most beautiful thing just happened.
Things were going pretty normally.
I got home after almost 12 hours of school and show rehearsal, and sat down to a shitload of homework, texting my best friend at the same time, helping her through some hardships.
When all of a sudden...
I felt GOOD! I felt ALIVE, for no reason at all, like there should have to be a reason. But I've been feeling shitty so long, that I didn't know how to deal with this new feeling.
I've gotten so accustomed to my anxiety, depression, and panic disorder, that "normal" really means miserable, and sleeping so that I can pretend I'm dead for a little while. So feeling ALIVE...
It was completely unrecognizable.
My chest that has been weighed down by the boulders of my own mind was suddenly just a chest once again, and pacing around my room laughing I felt like I could fly.
I'll admit it. I started crying. When you've felt bad for so long, feeling good is the best feeling. For now, my mind is silent, and hallelujah! Silence isn't only golden, it's heaven.
Do you know the beauty in saying, "Life is great!" And meaning it? It's a miracle, however temporary. This morning I was discussing avoiding self harm and therapy with my school counselor.
Suddenly the weight of the world is where it belongs...a huge ass fucking scale, and not my back.
I have no idea what happened, what's going on. But the toxic air has suddenly turned sweet, and I pray to a god I don't believe in that it lasts. And if it doesn't, I still feel blessed.
Thinking feels ordinary again, instead of feeling like a punishment. Instead of feeling like my enemy, my mind feels like ...me. Welcome back. Visit long. Stay free of charge.
If there's a guardian angel somewhere looking after me, letting me breathe when you saw I was choking... Thank you. However brief this feeling may be, I know that this is what dreams are made of.
And guess what else? I'm not even going to bother to edit this! Proper writing be screwed! I've got some REAL air to breathe! :D :D :D Knock on wood! (I still edited it minimally. Oops!)