I seem to want to hold my feelings back. I want to ignore them as if they don't matter. Swallow them down. Act like they don't matter. Things that happen bother me. I have emotions. And i feel. I wish i didn't. But i do.
I have feelings to things you do. That involve me. I think.... I don't speak. I think. Over and over, believing that whatever i do in my head fixes it. Or that you will understand how i feel by keeping it to myself. But obviously i'm an idiot.
And i know that i need to tell you how i feel. I need to show you emotion.... And i don't. But i never showed anyone emotion. I crack like an egg on the inside. Pouring everything on myself and keeping it there. But on the outside i'm cold hard steel.
Just rough and blunt on the outside. The world doesn't know how i feel. What i think. What i experience. And i never thought that anyone actually cared what's on the inside. So i sit there an wallow.
Hoping to one day have nature take its course early and take me out. I've always wondered why people on top of their lives get taken to early... To fast. And i want to not breathe another breath and can't seem to end quickly. But i'm working on thinking past those thoughts.
But still the negativity is there. Fresh in my head. My mind. I think so much. I believe so much. I hope for so much. Yet, i want to keep letting myself down. I feel as though the world lets me down
But, i feel as though i let you down. I let the people who know me down. I can't help it. I've been trying. And i've tried so much. One day, they might work. One if them.