I've never been really good at explaining how I feel & how it connects to what's happened. For example, one might say "I feel x because of y."
I, on the other hand, I would say something like "I feel x and k and b, and also y happened to me but I can't tell the correlation between x, k, b, and y."
And that just confuses people, so they're like "why you so sad all the time?" and I respond with, "I'm actually not that sad. It's more like an array of different emotions like all of them at once, or none of them at all."
And then they look at me funny because I don't know how to elaborate on that. So rather than that mess, to explain how I felt when the first boy I fell in love with broke my heart, I more or less started collecting facts. Mostly these 9 things that have come to be true, like:
I. You are going to spend the whole night crying.
No way to avoid it, the stunted breathing how everything feels like it's collapsing the whole nine yards. When you say he broke your heart it's not because the organ on the left side of your chest is hurting, it's because saying something is the heart is saying its the very center of you. He broke your heart and now your core is collapsing. Your very structure is destroyed and it's his fault. Not yours.
II. You're going to want to see him right away.
Don't. He'll tell you what you want to hear because he'll be burning in the heat of your sadness and just want to leave. He's going to say that it wasn't your fault, that it just sort of "happened," that he still wants to be friends. If you're going to have any hope of getting over him, you can't still be friends. Not right away.
It'll seem normal and easy but underneath you are holding back a lion of a heart while he is already on to his next prey.
III. The ghosts are going to haunt you.
There will be the good morning and goodnight text ghost. The "can I see you today?" ghost. The ghost of where you shared your first kiss, your last. Where he asked you to be his girlfriend sitting on the living room floor at 4 in the morning, writing things on each other's backs.
He was burning himself into your skin. The ghost of him will still be there. In Hawaii, there's this urban legend of these ghosts that visit tourists in hotel rooms and resorts at night and sit on their chests until they stop breathing.
He will haunt you. He's going to be there not just when you're sleeping, when you scroll past the first picture of him kissing this other girl, when you're sitting on the living room floor. When you see him and you've no idea what to do with your hands, he's going to try to stop your breathing. It won't feel any different than seeing him for the first time except this time you'll wish you were actually dying.
IV. You are not actually dying.
V. You will want to keep his clothes at first because they still smell like his and they are a constant reminder of ownership.
His sweatshirt on your body, his fingers on your skin, his mark on your heart, he owns you. You'll wear his clothes as a reminder that yes, he was there once &andsometimes as a hope that he will see you in it and realize how well everything fit. And he'll want you back.
When they stop smelling like him you'll put them in the closet as if they are foreign and you'll choke up every time you see them. Eventually, they will just be your grey sweatshirt and that cool band t-shirt. Even months later when you put them on you'll still be hoping a little bit that he sees you in them.
VI. You will not ask for your clothes back.
They are his now, just as every other part of you is. They smell too much like him and although he's probably just going to shove them in a draw or let his new girlfriend wear them sometimes, at least he still has them and you are still in his room. You won't have much else to hold on to besides that notion.
VII. Green will no longer be your color.
He used to say he loved it on you. When other girls looked at him and talked to him, he'd laugh while you grabbed his hand locking your fingers like a promise, like a threat to anyone that made you slightly jealous. You are going to get jealous all the time now. Because now if you tried to grab his hand he'd back off, it'd cause too much pain, it's just another broken promise.
Another thing that can't be fixed, pushed to the back of the closet. He won't laugh anymore. Green is not your color. You have no right to wear it, no matter how often you do, you can't even mention it to him. It'll creep up and seep in. It'll settle right underneath the surface. People will ask you constantly if you're feeling sick. Yes. Which brings me to:
VIII. Maybe not always, but for a while and then sometimes here and there you're going to feel so sick you'll think you've somehow brought back the black plague.
When he tells you he's leaving you'll spend the whole night crying so hard you'll throw up 3 maybe 4 times. You'll think you've emptied your entire body in hushed sobs. I'm so sorry if you're afraid of heights because every time you see him with this other girl you'll feel like you're dropping out of the sky so fast you'll have trouble standing.
Sometimes my chest hurts so badly from thinking about him, I have to lay down and breathe deeply for hours. Eventually you wont feel anything except empty when you see them together, or think about holding him. Don't think about holding him. Never ever think about kissing him. Don't you dare, because then you're going to drop out of the sky all over again. I have no idea how long this is going to last.
IX. It's not going to last forever.