I Should Have Told You
I Should Have Told You schizophrenia stories

queenceazar I ask for the world but don't deserve it
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
A long poem about my failure to reach out for help when I needed it most.

I Should Have Told You

You didn't care when I felt a little off

You didn't care when I got sad You didn't care when I was crying you didn't care when I was mad You didn't care when I punched the walls so many times my knuckles were bruised and bleeding

You didn't care when I started seeing things

Hearing things You didn't care when there were people sneaking into my room in the middle of the night even though I knew they weren't really there

You didn't care When I teleported

straight from my bus to you You didn't even remember me being there

You didn't care when I started doing things to myself

Things I won't even describe

You didn't care the first time I thought

Maybe leaving this world wouldn't be so bad You didn't care when I was starving myself Not because I wanted to be skinny but because every bite made me feel sick

You didn't care when I hadn't eaten in three days

and there were so many voices in my head I couldn't think And I thought my English teacher wanted me dead

You didn't care when I had a headache

When I took two, four, ten, twenty-three pills When I realized what I'd done to myself When I rushed back to the bathroom When I forced myself to throw up but could only get a few out

When I laid back down in my bed and cried

When I was scared for myself but too ashamed to say anything When I spent the whole night hanging over the toilet once my body realized what I'd made it do

When it was four a.m.

and I crept into my parents room because I knew I needed to go to the hospital When I felt so guilty for making my mom miss work When everything was all my fault and if someone had just listened—

But no

You didn't care Maybe you would have, but I never told you I never told you about being sad or scared or guilty or helpless I never told you I wanted to die

Because the one time I tried

When I was feeling a little off, you wouldn't pick up the phone I was so scared and you wouldn't pick up the phone

But it's not your fault

You tried your best You have other commitments besides me but it's okay now Because it's mostly over I'm still sad just a little And I still get afraid when I see things that aren't there

But now I'm mostly just numb

I don't want to die anymore because I don't care anymore If I died it wouldn't be so bad, but I could put up with living just a little while longer If that's what the universe has planned for me

I spend a lot of time wishing I was in a coma

Not really dead but not really alive either Somewhere I can dream forever and ever And when I do die It's certain to be at the hands of another

It's okay that you don't care

Not many do But maybe next time I call Could you pick up the phone for just a moment?

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