Once upon a time there was a little girl named Lo. "I'm so pretty," Lo would say to herself whenever she gazed at herself in the mirror (which was a lot).
But Lo was pretty. She had thick, long, black hair that was pretty. She had tiny, sharp, black eyes that were pretty. And she had a pretty smile.
But Lo never smiled.
Lo hated her life. It was so boring.
No one ever tried to kidnap her or starve her to death or play psychological mind games with her.
Her mom was nice. Her dad was nice. And her big brother -- both a feminist ally and a LGBTQ ally -- was uber nice.
"I hate nice!" Lo screamed. "I hate it... I hate it so much."
One night, as Lo was getting ready to take her nightly bath (taking a nightly bath was one of the few things her mom and dad forced her to do), a bunch of bizarre creatures came flying out of the toilet.
"Oh!" screamed Lo. "What is happening?"
"We are what's happening," said one of the creatures. "Yeah," said another one of the creatures. "We're the Lilipoops."
"The Lilipoops?" asked Lo. "Yeah," replied the creature. "You know, like 'lilly' and then 'poops'." "Oh..." said Lo. "Well, what are you doing in my bathroom? I was just about to take a bath, you know."
"We've come to take you away," answered one of the Lilipoops. "Well, what if I don't give my consent?" asked Lo.
"We'll take you to a place where being nice is extinct," said one of the creatures. "Fine then," replied Lo. "You have my consent."
Lo and the Lilipoops flew into the bathtub drain and into another world that wasn't nice at all.
In this world, people starved to death all the time. People kidnapped babies, uncles, and lapdogs. They scowled at screens as bright as brimstone . And they constantly cussed each other: "Crap! Darn! Freak!"
"I like this world," said Lo. "It's so mean and nasty." "We thought you would," said one of the Lilipoops. "Now, all you need is a gross husband and then your fairytale will be done."
So the Lilipoops found Lo a gross husband . He was tall, dark, and handsome. He owned tons of screens and lapdogs.
And after their honeymoon to Hawaii, the gross husband locked Lo away in a room with tons of screens and lapdogs.
"Ah," said Lo, surrounded by her screens and lapdogs. "This is the life."